Gretchen's hats

Graduated

2011-10-04T20:34:00.002-04:00

About 8 years ago, I eagerly volunteered to spend a week in Chester with World Impact with my sons' youth group, mainly because I loved the work of World Impact and was madly eager to participate in it. Little did I know that I was putting my first foot on a path that would last for 8 years, the amazing and impossible path of what we will summarize for simplicity's sake as lay youth ministry. My time in youth ministry and related activities was awesome. My dead heart came alive again, I learned to pray till it hurt, and I found out about a lot of cool new bands. I found parts of myself that I thought were gone, and I made some friends that I hope I'll have for a long time. I also learned skills that I now use every day in my work! But now it's the end (....or is it??! One never knows!).

Unlike the moment when I put my last homeschooled child on a bus for the first time, this time almost no one asked me, "What are you going to do now?" because almost nobody (including me!) realized what had happened. Well, even though you didn't ask, I am going to tell you what I am going to do:

I am going to mind my own business.

I'm going to try anyway! I now am (sort of) homeschooling again, managing my son's burgeoning art career and health care, running my house, and doing my job. I'm developing better housekeeping habits and being more responsible about my own health. I'm available for the odd little needs and opportunities that come up from week to week. I'm being intentional about my family and my job instead of trying to work them around the edges of the drama of my "ministry". And for the first time in years, I'm not tired all the time. Just most of the time. But I'll take it!

Jonah and Me

2011-04-23T08:50:00.002-04:00

So Jonah sits down to see what will happen to Nineveh. He gets very hot sitting there on the hillside. God causes a plant to quickly grow up to shade him, and he is super-happy about that. The day passes without incident, so he goes to sleep. But when he wakes up the next morning, God has sent a worm to kill the plant, and hot sun and scorching wind to annoy Jonah, so that he cries out, "I wish I were dead!"

So God comes along and says, "Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?"

Jonah is not interested in considering the possibility that he has overreacted. "It is! And I am so angry I wish I were dead!"

Here are two things God does NOT do at this point. He does NOT say: "Jonah, you are an idiot. It was just a stupid plant." Nor does He say, "I know you are ticked because you are too hot, but really, you are the one who wanted to sit here on this hot hillside anyway, so you need to stop ranting."

Here's what He does instead. First, He takes Jonah where He finds him: "OK, so you are mad about this plant." Then, He gives Jonah a lot more credit than he really seems to deserve: "You had compassion on this plant that you did not plant or make grow." (Really, Jonah's not sorry for the plant, he's just mad about the sun on his bald head.) THEN, He pulls the camera back and says, in effect, "If it's ok for you to be upset that one little plant died, how much more appropriate is it for me to be sad at the possibility that all the people of Nineveh might die (to say nothing of the cows)?" He lets Jonah be angry, but reminds him that there are greater issues at stake than his own inconvenience.

Thank you God for your patience, and for these continued reminders that You can use even us drama queens for Your gracious purposes!

PS Do you think God mentioned the cows because He could see that He didn't have a prayer of convincing Jonah that it would be a tragedy for all those enemy people to die?

Moses and Me

2011-04-19T20:02:00.002-04:00

"Why have you dealt ill with Your servant? And why have I not found favor in Your sight, that You lay the burden of all this people on me? Did I conceive all this peoople? Did I give them birth, that You should say to me, "Carry them in your bosom, as a nurse carries a nursing child," to the land that You swore to give to them? Where am I supposed to get these people all the things they are crying for? I am not able to carry all this people alone! The burden is too heavy for me! If You will treat me like this, kill me at once, if I find favor in your sight, that I might not see my wretchedness!"

First of all, can I just say that I love all the drama queens in the Bible. Jonah, with his, "You killed my plant and now I wish I were dead!" is my all-time favorite, but Peter, David, Samson, and all the other loose cannons and emotional extremists give me hope that ANYONE can be used by God!

Secondly, turns out it's actually more cathartic to copy some Biblical kvetching into your journal than to just be satisfied with your own whinging. I'm telling you, those Bible people knew how to make their case before God. Try it sometime!

By the way, here's how the story comes out. God tells Moses to identify 70 men who are already functioning in leadership among the people, and then promises to "take some of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them, and they shall bear the burden of the people with you, so that you may not bear it yourself alone." In another place, the people prosper or fail as Moses lifts his hands to pray for them, and as his hands get weary, a couple of his friends come along and hold them up. Great pictures of teamwork in servant leadership.

Then God undertakes to meet the people's needs... and their greeds... to give them everything they want and more, until their fulfilled desires become a punishment to them, "because they have rejected the LORD who is among them and have wept before Him." Just a gentle reminder to Moses that the people's behavior may have been annoying to him, but it was really offensive and a slap in the face to God Himself. It's interesting to think that one way God punishes the ungrateful is by giving them a whole lot of what they thought they wanted....

Why Heaven Isn't Mandatory

2010-09-15T08:49:00.003-04:00

I think I just figured out why God doesn't MAKE people go to heaven. Part of the point of heaven is that our bodies are redeemed so that it is no longer possible for them to get sick, decay or die. That sounds awesome-- who wouldn't want that? Another part of the point, though, is that the sickness, decay and death gets taken out of our souls, too. Not only will we not HAVE to steal or lie or murder... we won't be ABLE to. We won't be ABLE to hold onto bitterness and resentment, no matter how well-deserved. We won't be ABLE to lust after other people's spouses, no matter how hot. We won't be ABLE to have anything in the center of our lives besides God, no matter how cool or fun it is. Of course, right now, we aren't ABLE to imagine how cool and fun God is, so I have a feeling that once we get there, we won't mind at all, but still-- this is a big deal. Do you see how God would not perform this kind of soul lobotomy on someone who didn't want it? If you have lost interest in sin-- if the idea of losing the very ability to screw up appeals to you-- you are definitely welcome in heaven. But God will never strip you of that choice without your permission.

The stories we tell ourselves

2010-07-31T16:57:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking about the stories we tell ourselves about the stories we're in. We assign ourselves roles: homemaker, coworker, romantic lead. We define our characters: fat, stupid, efficient, warm, old, pretty. And we try to puzzle out the plots: are we here to save the day, learn a lesson, endure a hardship, or what? Although it seems that so much of my story just happens to me while I am working on something else, really, the way the events join together-- the narrative arc-- is surprisingly controllable.

Am I the victim in this story? Do bad things keep happening to me? Am I the rescuer, stepping in to avert someone else's disaster? Am I, by some horrible happenstance, the perpetrator who is causing the disaster? Or am I the plucky adventurer, finding new opportunities in every unexpected twist? The raw material is the same: surprising turns of events. The interpretation, however-- the story-- is up to me. I forge my character every day. I define my roles as I prioritize and even as I choose my clothes for the day. I review, I project, and I say, "Well, this is a heartwarming story," or, "This is a horror show," or, "This is an epic tale of the triumph of the human spirit." Sometimes I literally say, "My life is just like that movie 'The Savages.'" When I say that, I've started telling myself a story about the story I'm in.

Being the victim is boring. Being the perpetrator is unacceptable. Being the rescuer is just exhausting. But plucky adventurer-- that, I could do. America's sweetheart, doing the right thing regardless-- I could do that too. I don't have to choose helpless woman in high heels running down blind alley.

Art imitates life, only better

2010-07-29T21:49:00.002-04:00

John Ordover says that fiction is reality with the boring parts left out. I say that likewise art is reality, only better. Even a hyper-realist painter makes decisions. And even an Abstract Expressionist starts with reality... if only the reality of the physical properties of paint swung from a stick held by a human hand.

The part of visual reality I find interesting is the part where things are in sharp contrast, like a dark green treeline against a pale blue sky, or green ivy crawling on a red brick wall, or brown eyes in a pale face, or white eyes in a dark face. The parts where contour lines disappear into shadow, or where a thousand leaves of ivy merge into a dappled mass of darks and lights, is not so interesting to me. The parts of reality I like are the parts where boundaries are clear. Therefore, my art is linear. The parts of reality on which I would like to improve are the parts where things are all piled up in a jumble. Therefore, my art is organized. If this be decoration, illustration, "mere" entertainment, make the most of it!

Superheroes Who Are Patriotic!

2010-07-03T08:21:00.003-04:00

Superheroes Who Are Super! had its debut at the 2009 Fringe Festival, where we, sadly, had to skip it in favor of other priorities. But it must have been a hit, because it's been going strong ever since, offering staged readings of classic comix at the Plays and Players Theater on Delancy Street. (Staged reading: actors have scripts. Costuming suggests the various characters each actor must represent. Props, which seem to have been acquired mainly at the Dollar Store, are optional in most cases, but an essential part of the SWAS experience. Movement/blocking is limited, but not as limited as you would think.)

But wait! What's this! A new production company seems to have emerged from the SWAS experience! Yes, Save The Day Productions is now solely responsible for SWAS, and to celebrate their independence (well, quasi-independence... they still enjoy Plays and Players' facilities), they observed this 4th of July weekend with Superheroes Who Are Patriotic! Who is more patriotic than Captain America? No one, that's who! Golly! The show opened with the majestic strains of "Thus Spake Zarathustra" and the revelation of a mustachioed, khaki clad figure. Could it be? It was! The most evil world leader since Nero, Adolf himself, just standing right there! But Save the Day was true to its name, and Captain America soon bounded in to deliver that "punch heard round the world"... at least the world of comic books.

He proceeded to reveal his origins, meet his beautiful-- I mean plucky-- sidekick, Bucky, and defeat Nazi spy rings like it wan't no thang. With action-packed action, explosions provided by snaps available at any fireworks stand, and special effects such as large, clear labels reading "Not a Nazi" and "A Nazi," we were never in doubt of the hair-raising suspense-- or the fate of the free world. All that excitement, and an opportunity to join the Captain America fanclub too! Gee!

After visiting our sponsors, Atomic City Comics and Quig's pub, we returned to our regularly scheduled program, Avengers #4. See Giant Man turn into Ant Man! See the Wasp change sizes several times! See Thor swing his mighty hammer! See Iron Man shoot lasers from the palms of his hands! How was all this possible at a staged reading, you ask? Through the magic of imagination! But never fear, freedom-loving Americans, for acting is still the best special effect, and the ability of each one of Save The Day's crack team to impersonate five or six distinct characters in one evening, as well as perform quick changes and execute choreographed fights while holding scripts, was what really saved the evening for this audience (Okay, maybe a preshow visit to Quig's didn't hurt either).

All in all, this show was an entertaining, nay, inspiring experience, and the citizens of Washington, DC, are in for a treat when it comes to them next week!

Escape to New York: Art in America Edition

2010-05-01T12:09:00.005-04:00

First stop: Kiki Smith at Brooklyn Museum of Art. Be sure to watch the second video, in which we learn that there's really only one way to apply glitter to a drawing, whether you are a four year old or a famous artist. The work is, as Smith's always is, delicate and transcendent, an oasis in the city.

Then, a quest for street art. PHOTO CREDITS: KATIE LINDQUIST COLE! Shepard Fairey's brand new mural at Houston and the Bowery looks great:

Mr. Brainwash may or may not be some kind of virtual construct, but his exhibit exists in meatspace... appropriately enough, in the meatpacking district, just under Highline Park. The exhibit was closed for restocking... and sure nuff, there was a big white truck marked "artcore" in front of the warehouse, with longshoremen wheeling art by the crate in the loading dock. We theorized that maybe we had just seen the art: a performance piece involving crated work being wheeled in the front, out the back, around the block and do it again. Well, Mr. Brainwash's work is not of particular interest to me, so it was ok that we couldn't get in. Across the street, some REAL street artists had been busy:

The Highline was a happening place, despite high winds. Lots of photographers-- amateur, student, and professional. Lots of people hanging out on the "beach." A couple of interesting art installations. What a great urban reclamation project!

On to the subway to Chelsea! So many galleries... PACE, with another Kiki Smith exhibit, was still installing, but we pressed our noses against the glass and saw that it was work similar to what we had already seen. Louis Cameron was working with painted, cut and pieced contact paper... very cool effect. Tamy Ben-Tor and Miki Carmi did a series of meditations on an old man that were really interesting, and a bunch of videos that weren't. India Evans showed work exploring femininity. Evans' content was not what I usually go for, but her delicate scale and lovely craft made her message more palatable. She used cut paper, sequins, and thread as well as paint and photocollage to create ethereal and mysterious scenes. Elliot Hundley was showing enormous pieces made in the obsessive style, with thousands of tiny elements affixed to the canvas with long pins, and text composed, ransom-note style, from magazine pages. Elisa Johns filled several rooms with delicate representations of wifty girls wearing fabulous shoes in wilderness settings. I was desparate to take home Rashaad Newsome's cheerful giant, who looked like he would enjoy living in my yard, feeding squirrels from the bowl on his belly and being sat on by small children, but we couldn't figure out how to get him into the car, so we had to leave him behind. DGT Gallery was a department store of art, featuring a fellow whose name I have forgotten who takes Andy Warhol screenprints of celebrity photos and applies ground Swarovski crystal to the Ben-Day dots. Well, they certainly are shiny, and it appears to be a living. Barbara Kruger has a new installation, on four screens with surround sound and jokes.

LAST STOP: The BeFilm Festival. Highlights included Ryan Suits' "Plasticity," a 3-D short using a new polarization technique that makes for a very pretty film. The big draw seemed to be Ultra Violet for 16 Minutes, which was indeed a very well-done little documentary about a very interesting subject: a survivor of Andy Warhol's Factory, former mistress of Salvador Dali, meditating on the ultimate emptiness of that life and the meaning she has found since. New York Minute: She was at the screening, wearing a raspberry-colored velour warm-up jacket with her name embroidered on it in silver. So now I've met one of the subjects of Andy Warhol's "Screen Tests."

Thanks for coming on my virtual tour of New York: Art in America Edition. Next time... The Orthodox Edition!

Irresponsible?

2010-04-26T18:51:00.003-04:00

I am not an irresponsible person. My employers always give full marks for "Attendance," which is sort of like "Most Improved" at the sports banquet, but it does indicate that whatever else I can or cannot do, I do understand the value of showing up. Not only when I'm being paid, but also in my volunteer work and social life, I rarely cancel anything. I do what I said I would do, regardless of how I feel.

That is partly because if I only did what I felt like, I would never leave my sofa, and I don't really want to live that way. When your body is like a whiney two-year-old ("I'm tired, I'm hungry, I have a boo boo, I want ice cream") all day long, you develop the same habit mothers of whiney two-year-olds have: ignoring. "Oh, someone's complaining? I don't even notice any more."

The problem is that sometimes I really DO have a boo-boo, or I really AM so tired or hungry that something should be done, and the body has to cry awfully loud to get my attention. I've been noticing something recently, though. Whenever dragging myself to the next event is really almost more than I can manage, whenever I have not just been aware that I would prefer to stay home watching Get Smart reruns, but truly knowing that my body is starting to fold in on itself, I drag myself out anyway, because that's how I roll. But once I get there, I'm not really needed. If I had called out, nothing bad would have happened. Those days are always the days that there are extra volunteers, or the person I was going to meet is sick too, or it just really doesn't matter whether I'm there at tremendous personal sacrifice or just stay home like anyone with a brain would have done.

This has happened enough recently that I've started to catch on. So if we have an appointment or I've made a commitment to you, and you really need me, let me know, and I will be there. But if not, just this once... maybe I'll go back to bed.

Why I believe the Bible

2010-04-22T07:42:00.002-04:00

I believe the Bible for one simple reason: Throughout my entire life, it has provided me with the best explanations for my own experience I have ever encountered anywhere.

The Bible started telling me the truth when I was 8 or 9 years old, and lived amidst some of the most breathtaking beauty on the planet: the Redwood Forest. The Bible told me, "All this beauty is on purpose." It continued in middle school when I became overwhelmed with my own failures as a young adolescent, and it said, "What did you expect? You're a sinner, separated from God. No matter how hard you try, you will never be as perfect as God." In high school, it explained to me that, just as I had suspected, the world is not, in fact, the way it's supposed to be, that it's fundamentally broken and there are big pieces missing out of it. And it told me there was not much I could do about it, which also squared with my (granted, somewhat limited) experience. No other holy book I read-- and I went through a few-- dared to tell it like it is, not just like we wish it was or hope it will be.

And because of the extreme, the meticulous, truthfulness of the Bible, that's why I am also willing to believe the things I haven't experienced yet. I am willing to believe that where there is beauty there is a fundamental goodness of God's will towards us. I am willing to believe in forgiveness for sin and power to amend in Jesus. And I am willing to believe that God's good will, forgiveness and power are on the move through this world and will eventually win.

Stretch (a Fantasia) at People's Light

2010-04-01T11:22:00.002-04:00

This play is a character study. Nothing happens, which makes the ending seem both startling and arbitrary. However, although the hour and a half doesn't take us anywhere, it is spent with four interesting and likeable people. Okay, three of those and one caricature, but that's not bad. Rosemary Woods is believably inhabited, and her two friends also seem like people I know. I really can't give you a plot summary for the reason mentioned above. I can say that there are a lot of dream sequences in the play that would have worked better if they were staged in a more surreal way, but the great acting covers a multitude of writing and staging weaknesses. In the end, I think the point is supposed to be that young people today are apathetic, which I don't find to be true. To me, what kept the play interesting was watching the relational dances between all the characters.

Was it worth it?

2010-03-28T18:08:00.002-04:00

One of the scariest verses in the Bible, I think, is this one: "I tell you , on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." -Matthew 12:36 The prospect of standing in front of Jesus and explaining every four-letter word I bust out with while assembling furniture seems pretty intimidating.

But it just occurred to me that this verse, like so many other of Jesus' words, is not just about some great cosmic ultimate judgment. It's about the way life works here and now. Whatever careless words we speak, or post, or text, become a portrait of us. People form an opinion of me based on my jokes, my rants, my whinges, and every careless word that I put out into the public sphere. And that's okay, because how else can they know what is going on inside my head? Likewise, it is perfectly normal that I form my perceptions of other people based on all the words they put out there. What else do I have?

Everyday Justice

2010-03-01T22:02:00.002-05:00

(Summary of an article by Julie Clawson in this month's Relevant Magazine, and in keeping with Francis Chan's advice in the same issue to seek to obey God today and tomorrow and the next day, rather than to insist on some big revelation for the rest of your life.)

1. Stop consuming so much.

2. Buy fair-trade coffee and chocolate, which are third-party certified.

3. Eat locally and organically.

4. Conserve energy, like your grandpa taught you.

5. Buy sweat-free clothing (see my entry on ethical holidays for sources).

6. Reduce your waste (packaging, paper products, etc.)

7. Start small and change sustainably. Do one thing differently, but do it almost all the time. (My experience: Start with the coffee; it's the easiest.)

8. Ask yourself: "If everyone lived like I do, would the world be a better place?"

9. Choose one problem and get personal with it.

A warning to us who prosper...

2010-02-26T22:04:00.002-05:00

... from the book of Amos, via Donald Knuth :

"the prosperous people of Samaria undoubtedly think that their wealth is a blessing from God. They love to make ostentatious thank-offerings at the altar (4:5). They feel secure (6:1); they have lives of ease and luxury (6:4-6). Yet God has an entirely different view. He sees that the love of money has corrupted their hearts (3:10). He detests their pride (6:8)."

May we not just loll in our "blessings..."

This post is dedicated to my friend John...

2010-02-22T20:44:00.002-05:00

... who would like to see more Christians publicly distance themselves from the absurdities that are sometimes proclaimed in Christ's name. So, rather than give any more publicity to error, let me just remind us all of some truth:

"He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." (Matthew 5:45)

The race is not to the swift and the battle is not to the warriors, and neither is bread to the wise nor wealth to the discerning nor favor to men of ability; for time and chance overtake them all." (Ecclesiastes 9:11)

Theologically, stuff happens and sometimes life just isn't fair. Any attempt or claim to attribute any natural disaster or medical situation to the sins of the victims is NOT orthodox Christianity.

OK? Are we clear now?

Two realities, two economies

2010-02-21T21:41:00.002-05:00

So I've been thinking about this article I read in the Atlantic Monthly about the economy. I was particularly interested in the section about how the recession is affecting young people. And it's true, the picture is bleak: unemployment among youth is approaching European levels, failure to launch is endemic, and, most interestingly to me, these basement-dwellers' self-esteem is at all-time highs while they are turning down jobs that are "beneath them."

So the prescription is old-fashioned: Get a job. Do what you have to do to pay the rent. Work hard. Show some initiative. Accept that maybe your real life will not happen on the clock, but after hours. And these are market realities. Hard work is rewarded. You are valued (paid) based not on your marvelously awesome potential, but on what you actually produce, and rightly so.

But here's the thing I find really mind-bending: we all have to move our bodies through this achievement-based economy. Meanwhile, we are living in another dimension as well. Our spirits exist in God's kingdom, where the last shall be first, where we really are all special and marvelous just because of Who made us, and where everybody has a role. In the economy of grace and love that God is operating, each of us is completely treasured and precious regardless of achievement.

So we somehow have to move our bodies and our spirits in and out of these two realities-- the one where we soak up the free love of God, and the one where we earn our bread by the sweat of our brows. We have to simultaneously value ourselves as God's creatures, and evaluate ourselves as productive contributors. I think this is a very cool paradox. And so like God... He's always making my brain hurt, then folding me in His arms and saying, "It's really all so simple..."

Kathleen Norris on spiritual growth

2010-02-03T10:40:00.002-05:00

"Whatever you do repeatedly has the power to shape you, has the power to make you over in to a different person-- even if you're not totally 'engaged' in every minute." So just go have your quiet time, kiss your spouse, make dinner again, just do it first, and you'll probably feel like it later. "When ones life is dusty with ruin, it can seem reasonable to bury oneself in the wreckage rather tahn expose oneself to more suffering." The antidote is to choose daily life, to maintain the work habits that make creativity possible, the spiritual disciplines that open up a space for God to come in, and the social connections that nail us to the land of the living... regardless of whether we feel like it or get anything out of it. Sometimes just showing up is all you have, and then it's enough.

Norris's book is supposed to be about the spiritual condition of acedia, and sometimes suffers from the fact that it's very hard to grasp what that word means. One of the many definitions she offers resonates with me: "The willful rejection of loveliness... [to] despise the pleasant lands, and choose alienation over connection." How perverse is human nature, that we question good gifts and think that we prove ourselves superior by our ability to find fault with any situation, no matter how desirable? "The fruit we are given is not always what we expect or want; it may even be bitter, but we are secure in knowing that it is given to us out of love."

The goal in all of this is to move through my life as a pilgrim rather than a distracted tourist. I am going somewhere and looking for something. There are places it is likely to be found, and most of those places are the daily routines that my restlessness fights.

More from Kathleen Norris: on marriage

2010-02-03T10:21:00.002-05:00

Norris compares marriage to motherhood. Well, that seems kind of icky at first-- I am not my husband's mom. But there's a bit of truth in the way she explains it. Both roles require sacrifice that is not even felt as such because the recipient is worth all that and so much more.

"The very nature of marriage means saying yes before you know what it will cost. Though you may say the "I do" of the wedding ritual in all sincerity, it is the testing of that vow over time that makes you married." Marriage and childbearing are similar in that you make a commitment that is very easy to get into, very hard to get out of, and of which it is impossible to imagine the costs, rewards and consequences ahead of time. So even though it seems like degrees of being married make about as much sense as degrees of being pregnant, when a friend talked about being "very married," I knew what she meant. She was expressing her ongoing commitment to the vows she had taken all those years ago, and the fences that commitment built around her-- not to limit her, but to keep her safe.

One of the vows some people still take is to obey. "But at its root, the word obey means 'hear.' And listening in that sense, as mutual obedience, is fundamental to marriage. A profound joy comes in knowing that I have been heard, that another person cares to know me as I am." And that, of course, is why being a spouse is nothing like being a parent or a child. We obey each other with open ears, both listening, both speaking.

From "Acedia and me" by Kathleen Norris

2010-01-26T21:40:00.002-05:00

"No one is exempt from anger, jealousy, greed, gluttony, lust, pride, acedia. Our job is not to deny them or run from them, but to make our way through to the virtue on the other side. The virtue of greed is a fearlessness concerning one's future needs that translates into sharing what one has at present. Lust's virtue is a self-giving love that can endure all things. Acedia's virtue is a caring expressed in thoughtful and timely acts that enhance our relationship with others." p. 138

If only I had the imagination to see the virtue on the other side of some of the sins she didn't mention. Be that as it may, the idea that temptation, like emotion, is something that only gets stronger when you argue with it, something that need not be engaged or ignored, but simply taken along for the ride to where you know you need to go, makes a lot of sense to me right now. It seems very consistent with the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

She goes on to talk about the necessity of humility, and particularly of self-accusation. This is not the same thing as self-condemnation, nor is it a false show of dust-eating. It's simply attaining "a realistic perception of [one's] place in the world." (p. 139) It thrives where we see ourselves as we are in Christ, knowing that "the me being blamed and accused is in no way the authentic me, the deep me, but the apparent me." (p. 139)

Norris elsewhere explains what she means by acedia: "The desire to avoid hardship becomes the dread of taking any action at all, and particularly of beginning to do any good thing." (p. 151) Living for pain management must become living in a state of anaesthesia. Luther apparently offered this antidote: "You must be resolute, bid yourself defiance, and say to yourself wrathfully: 'No matter how unwilling you are to live, you are going to live and like it! this is what God wants.... Begone, you thoughts of the devil! To hell with dying and death!' Grit your teeth in the face of your thoughts, and for God's sake be more obstinate, headstrong, and willful than the most stubborn peasant." (p. 165) Stephen Hayes (the Acceptance and Commitment therapist) would say that to thus confront and argue with apathy or gloom is to give it too much credit, but I think Luther is exemplifying the principle of making value-based choices in the teeth of emotional pain. God has called me to live; I therefore determine to live, and to like it, and to hell with despair. Its moans and pleas will fall on deaf ears, for I am determined to do the good things it dreads, and to carry out the timely and thoughtful acts it does not care about.

Melancholy: A Comedy at the Painted Bride

2010-01-23T11:14:00.002-05:00

If you want to catch this show, hurry up, cause it's almost gone... but it's good! We went last night and just enjoyed ourselves tremendously while receiving much food for thought. I had already read a wonderful, inspiring book about "Lincoln’s lifelong depression, how he managed it, and how it came to fuel his epic work." (from the blurb) It certainly helped me realize that untreatable, low-grade, cyclical depression is not a barrier to productivity or even greatness, and can be managed.

This show interprets the information in that book and elsewhere (BTW, did you know that Lincoln was quite a friend of the Jews?) within the context of the sad clown construct and the everyday life of a couple of everyday people just trying to function in this fallen world. A full description can be found on Sara's website. I can only add that the show does in fact manage to be simultaneously thought-provoking, funny, and a circus spectacle, almost a magic show. See it if you can!

Some people....

2010-01-23T10:46:00.001-05:00

... make a great first impression, but somehow do not live up to it as you get to know them. Others seem... not so impressive... at first, but prove to be high-quality in the long run. If those are really my only two choices, which would I rather know? Which would I rather be?

Healing from the inside out

2010-01-22T15:43:00.002-05:00

From the current issue of Prism magazine:

'Forgiveness does not require you to like someone or even to face them, but you can still find it in your heart to silently whisper these words to yourself: "I wish you well with your life, and I hope and pray you will cause no more damage to me or anyone else. Go in peace."

'The person who can speak those words acknowledges that harm has been done to him, is not excusing or trivializing it, refuses to be consumed with anger and thoughts of revenge, and leaves the righting of wrongs in the hands of those who have the responsibilities of mediating justice. That is forgiveness in its essence.'

--Michael S. Barry, director of pastoral care, Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Philadelphia

Ethical Holidays!

2009-12-05T16:27:00.007-05:00

What are you eating there? Do you know where it's been? What about what you're wearing? And do you or your loved ones really need more of it? If you spend money on stuff this holiday season, make sure it's not making other people's lives worse. (Whether it makes your Aunt Betty's life better is your problem...) Remember, people practice slavery always and only because it's profitable. If we can make fair labor practices more profitable, we will win.

Here's a great overview of Fair Trade retailers from www.responsibleconsumer.net.

The basics on how to do Christmas with justice:
www.missmalaprop.com

Food is complicated. BGH? Dolphin Free? Allergies? IPM? I suggest you will lose your mind and starve to death if you try to make sure EVERYTHING you eat is completely ethically clean. Just pick a few things that you consume regularly that you can support. Check out this video primer: humantrafficking.change.org

Transfair is a third-party certifier of fair trade practices, chiefly in food, and you can buddy up with them on Facebook or on the Web. Especially useful is this page, detailing where to buy Fair Trade Certified products. I went to my local Giant and had no trouble finding coffee, tea (brewed and bagged), chocolate and ice cream. One of the best ways to make sure your food is clean is to buy local. That gets a little rough in the winter around here, but May-November you can patronize the area growers' markets and know exactly where that apple or onion has been.
Or you can mail-order food from the Women's Bean Project (don't worry, they don't only have beans!

Housewares, fashion accessories, and those weird yet strangely appealing items grouped under the rubric of "gifts" seem to especially lend themselves to free trade. Here are some sources in addition to those mentioned above:

Here are things actually made by people recovered from slavery. This is their 40 acres and a mule, people-- let's contribute.
SERVV is very trustworthy and reputed to make the best chocolate ever.

World of Good is donating to Transfairusa when you purchase athletic equipment or gift baskets through them.
Macy's? Seriously? My head is exploding trying to comprehend the combination...
Overlooked.
High end jewelry made by rescued girls.

These retailers carry clothes as well:

Not For Sale has lots of great advocacy information as well as reasonably priced merchandise.
Global Exchange
Simple Shoes-- great sales!

Fair Indigo-- also has good sales. Sizes run small.

Tom's Shoes-- a cool story and shoes that feel like socks.

Trade for Change-- highly recommended by a friend
Or you could just drop off the retail grid. Buy less, buy used, barter... I'm sure you can figure out some things I haven't thought of!

Proverbs 16:20-25

2009-11-19T01:55:00.002-05:00

Whoever gives thought to the word will discover good,
and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord.
The wise of heart is called discerning,
and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.
Good sense is a fountain of life to him who has it,
but the instruction of fools is folly.
The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious
and adds persuasiveness to his lips.
Gracious words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul and health to the body.
There is a way that seems right to a man,
but its end is the way to death.

This morning I gave thought to these words and discovered good. Trusting God doesn't FEEL like anything in particular, but I know I AM trusting God, because I have no other option. I still FEEL kinda terrible about the situations that I feel terrible about, but I KNOW God is the one who will act, and blessing will ensue. Eventually. Hopefully in my lifetime. Anyway--

My goal in these situations is to be wise and discerning, but that's useless unless I marry it to sweetness of presentation. I want to be for good sense, but I'm competing against the destructive yet attractive counsel of folly that surrounds us every day. So I need to keep my heart centered in that trust of God so that my wisdom, if any, will be delivered with discretion and be persuasive. If I succeed, and consistently choose gracious speech, I could bring physical and emotional healing to others. But if I just shoot off my mouth in the way that comes naturally to me, I will bring only death.

I love Proverbs. I haven't spent much time in it in a while. It's so practical for everyday situations. You could just read a chapter or half a chapter a day and look for one thing to implement that day, and in a month or two you would be a lot wiser and have a lot better-running life.

Call + Response: Stop global slavery in your lifetime

2009-11-10T21:39:00.004-05:00

Call + Response is a movie made by Justin Dillon of Tremolo. The conceit is that it's a sort of virtual benefit concert, interspersed with true stories of slavery and rescue, and commentary from intellectual and political luminaries as well as celebrity faces. It was screened at Milkboy Coffee in Ardmore, to a packed house, with additional information provided by Debbie Wright from the International Justice Mission. Despite the excellence and variety of the music, the movie was not fun to watch, but the reality is that John Brown's truth is STILL marching on as the slave trade continues around the world. And in Southeast PA.

We may and should admire the great abolitionists of old such as Harriet Tubman and the Great Emancipator, or the martyrs of the Civil Rights Movement. But in the 21st century, we can not just admire but emulate them. We can't all kick down doors, free the slaves and put the bad guys away, but we can all do something to create an atmosphere where slavery is not cool, and more importantly, NOT PROFITABLE. We are the plan. Watch for more inspiration, information, action points and events. Don't miss this moment! History is on our side!

From "Saving Tiamaat" by Gwyneth Jones

2009-10-27T09:08:00.002-04:00

"We spent the rest of the night together, hiding in the tenderness of the Blue Planet, where war is shameful and murder is an aberration; where kindness is common currency, and in almost every language strangers are greeted with love: dear, pet, darling; sister, brother, cousin, and nobody even wonders why. What an unexpected distinction, we who thought we were such ruthless villains, such fallen angels."

Science fiction not only shows us how things could be better (what we can strive for) and how things could get worse (what we should avoid); it also can remind us that not everything is so bad the way it is. The universe is a beautiful place, and this particular corner of it no less so than any other. And man, if not an angel, still carries the image of God somewhere within...

Why Zombie Movies Are So Popular

2009-10-20T21:36:00.002-04:00

I think I know why people love to hate the living dead. Don't we all have things in our lives... habits, bad relationships, regrets, hurts... that we thought we put to rest a long time ago? Until... with an ominous rumble of thunder or a dramatic crack of lightning, they crawl back out of the grave, all smelly, and start lurching around and EATING OUR BRAINS! I hate when that happens! Wouldn't we all love to take a chainsaw to those nasty old things?

Friendship

2009-10-11T18:01:00.003-04:00

I have been thinking a lot this week about relationships. Not Facebook "relationships," but real ones with friends and family.

I have thought for a long time that I had mastered the fact that relationships involve risk. Being in contact with other people, getting all up in their business and letting them get up in yours, sharing stories and experiences and laughs and frustration... it puts you in a position where they can hurt you. And I thought I had decided that I was okay with that. I thought I had no arbitrary lines in the sand. I thought was willing to pay whatever it cost to be and stay in relationship, short of endangering my or my family's safety.

But no. As it turns out, there are things up with which I will not put. There are a few things I'm still not very willing to experience. I'm not very interested in being lied to. I'm not real excited about being used and/or objectified. I kinda don't like that look I get sometimes, like I'm from Mars. Being ignored makes me crazy. I'm wary of obvious needs that I obviously can't meet. And I really hate standing there and watching someone crash and burn.

Some people would say that this is a good thing, and maybe it is. I guess there are things up with which nobody should put. But the problem is the way I've been handling it. I've caught myself just going into lockdown, saying, sometimes even out loud, "You are bringing this thing that I can't deal with, so I don't want to deal with you." I am allowed to ask for what I need. I am allowed to challenge behavior that hurts me or others. But I do not want to allow myself to just walk away.

What's the alternative? Wade in deeper. Share even more. Give people even more ammunition. Accept people and challenge behavior, knowing that I won't be able to control the outcome. The only way I can do this is to trust God that no matter what happens as I wade deeper into this scary situation, no matter if what I most fear comes to pass, He will be there. He will be bigger than the hurt and the grief that may ensue.

We all have fears, I guess, and this is mine: not that I won't be able to pay the rent, or that America will be taken over by godless Communists, but that people I love will hurt me or hurt themselves or hurt each other. And it could happen. In fact, it will happen. But I think God is asking me to trust Him with that fear and to put it on the altar. I no longer have the right not to get hurt or see hurt. It will happen and I will be okay because nothing can separate me from the love of God.

The Power of Positive Thinking?

2009-10-09T16:16:00.002-04:00

I'm going to a discussion group at church now where people talk a lot about "thinking positively". Ugh. Reminds me of Norman Vincent Peale. I'm really not interested in playing those "positivity" games that were invented by snake oil salesmen and then co-opted by preachers in white shirts. Life isn't always pretty ponies and butterflies. But "thinking negatively" doesn't sound like fun, either. Is there a third way? Mark suggested "hopeful thinking". Circumstances are sometimes good and sometimes bad, but God's always present somewhere.

The Bible never says that love will never end and right will always win and I'm going to win the lottery. What it says is that God will be with me through all of it. Hopeful thinking, truthful thinking, means that stuff happens that I don't like, that I do stuff that I don't like, but that God is still at work. That's a kind of thinking I can commit to: whole-truth thinking.

Elie Wiesel: Night

2009-10-09T16:11:00.002-04:00

This is the most grim book I have ever read in its grim genre. This is not just a book about the evil of the Holocaust. It's a book about the evil that lies within the heart of every human being, and the patterns of evil that keep recurring throughout human history. In just a few words, Wiesel has plumbed the depths of human suffering and human depravity, without answers and without redemption. His stories brought to mind Frankl's observation about life in the camps: "The best of us did not survive." Would any of us have been a better Jew or a better German? Let us pray we are never tested.

The International Arts Movement

2009-09-27T15:37:00.002-04:00

Thursday night we got to go to the HQ in NYC and see a performance like this. It was a lovely experience. The pure aesthetics of sight and sound opened up my head and heart so that when Scripture was read at the end-- Isaiah 40-- it could sink deep into me. God made a beautiful world AND He spoke life-giving words, and we need both beauty and truth.

We also met a lot of interesting people: a woman who is looking to produce experimental theater, two Catholic priests who network artists and enrich the lives of the poor with art; an art professor; and a singer-songwriter who also directs IAM. I am especially interested in the work of the priests, who are missionaries from France, and who believe that the poor and lonely among us don't just need food, they need experimental film, jazz music and so forth. I really appreciate their efforts to demythologize and de-elite the fine arts!

I also want to give you a guided tour of the IAM website. You can follow them on FB or Twitter, you can go up to NYC to participate in various cultural and networking events, but what is most interesting to me is buried here. There are pdfs about how to have an auction or a salon, or how to have a discussion about aesthetics; there are podcasts about the business of being in the arts; and it's all FREE (despite mostly being found in the STORE). Go get something!

Nathan the Wise at People's Light and Theater

2009-09-16T22:57:00.002-04:00

This play was written in 18th century Germany, using 12th century Jerusalem to explore issues of friendship and tolerance that were current in that day and still have not been resolved. It's a play about what family is, about the bonds of friendship, and about interfaith dialoge, all wrapped up in a tale of Shakespearean convolution and frequent humor. And while I was tempted to dismiss its rather bland message of "Wouldn't it be nice if everyone were nice," it would in fact have been nice if this play and others like it had been more influential in German culture in the 18th, 19th, and first part of the 20th century, especially with regards to religious and racial tolerance. Would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. Will future generations look back on our time and make similar observations? Let us not be the ones we criticize!

The production is at least competent. I'm not much of a judge of stage acting, but I was very pleased by the stagecraft. The set is beautiful and elegantly designed, and the costumes passed both my tests: A- I wanted to own and wear all of the women's clothes and some of the men's; B- There were no jarring anachronisms (except one visible zipper! Lose it now!). So, pretty to look at, entertaining to follow, and interesting to think about later... definitely worth it!

Philly Fringe: Kill Me Now at UArts

2009-09-06T22:34:00.002-04:00

OK, first of all, were all the UArts students who can sing, dance, and/or act over at Broad Street Ministry doing Realm of the Unreal, or what? I'm sorry, but if you decide to do a parody of "So You Think You Can Dance," some actual dancing chops might be helpful. Characterization would also not be amiss, nor would wit or something to say beyond: "Hey, reality shows are dumb and exploit people." There were some nuggets of good ideas in the shows, but they were lost amidst the cardboard characters, the repetitive moves, and, I gotta say it, the gratuitous sexual content. Which I guess was meant to make up for the lack of actual ideas. This could have been either a hilarious farce or a biting satire, but instead it was just an exercise in shooting fish in a barrel. With a nerf gun. Fail!

Philly Fringe: Realm of the Unreal at Broad Street Ministry

2009-09-06T22:02:00.002-04:00

The title and location was all I needed. Don Quixote at Broad Street was phenomenal, and Darger never ceases to fascinate, so of course I wanted to go.

The show was billed as a musical, but was almost an opera, as most of the story was conveyed through excellent music, beautifully performed. The author and director made some interesting choices as they interpreted of Darger's work. The Vivian girls are characters that only Darger can see. They are played by adult women wearing blond wigs and coordinated romper-type dresses in primary colors. I would be interested to see a production that cast them with actual little girl actors. They are at first vaguely, then definitely, menacing, like Darger's work, which is at once innocent, charming, and deeply disturbing.

One choice that I cannot support was the portrayal of Darger as twitchy. Records suggest that he was eccentric, reclusive and not particularly happy, but there is no reason to believe that he was twitchy or hallucinatory. Another interesting choice was the way Elsie Paroubek's role in Darger's life was portrayed. Here the author may have simply done violence to the facts... but I wonder whether he was trying to imply another level of unreality in his character's thinking.

I recommend a quick reference to good old Wikipedia before attending the show, as its purpose is not to be a faithful relating of Darger's life, or his work. Rather, it uses them as hooks on which to hang questions such as these: Is it possible to live a normal life and a creative life? (Answer: if you want to write a 15,000 page book, you will not do much else in your spare time). What is the value of the people we marginalize, such as children and eccentrics? Above all, are we made for something more than the mundane lives we lead, and if so, what are we going to do about it?

All in all, this is worthwhile material, well-performed, and a great choice for Broad Street Ministry to support.

No, you were not seeing things....

2009-09-03T21:50:00.002-04:00

There really were giant playing cards in Rittenhouse Square for a couple of hours this afternoon. Does anyone know why?

Learning the Hard Way

2009-08-17T06:17:00.002-04:00

Last week Mark and I talked about how trials are supposed to make us better and teach us stuff and so on, but how, groggy from the ER and subsisting on chicken soup, I did not feel like I was learning anything or becoming a better person in any way. Now that I've caught up on my sleep, am not in soul-wracking pain, and have been shot up with B12, I can see that I actually learned two things.

1- As soon as the doctor mentions any possible diagnosis or treatment, I should look it up. The doctor doesn't know everything. She may not remember to explain everything she does know. It's my own research that has caused me to feel really positive about the B12. I think it will resolve a lot of oddities that I didn't even know I should be paying attention to. It's also my own research that has caused me to be pretty sure that most or all of last week's crisis was caused by a ruptured cyst-- which every doctor I saw knew that I had! None of them, however, seemed to know that such a cyst can cause acute, appendicitis-like pain AND digestive symptoms. I sure wish I'd googled that one BEFORE spending 5 hours in the ER.

2- I seem to be, as I sometimes have suspected, having a little trouble with my lifestyle. I need more power sabbaths and a new attitude, if not a new schedule. I need to figure out how to live hard, as is my nature, without doing this crash-and-burn cycle. Yes, I am living proof that you can burn the candle at both ends for longer than is commonly believed, but, also that eventually the flames will meet and you will burn out. This is the second time this year that I've folded one way or another. Specifically: I am feeling very content with a part-time work schedule.

So that's everything I know.

2009-08-07T11:30:00.002-04:00

Last week's sermon addressed three passages in Mark: 8:31-9:1, 9:30-37, and 10:32-45. They all kind of unfold like this:

Jesus: "I'm going to die, and it's not going to be pleasant for anyone."
Disciples: "We can't deal with this so much that we're going to pretend you didn't say anything, ignore how you might be feeling, and ask you to make us feel better about our own issues."

Jesus then proceeds, across the three incidents, to make several points that I think are designed to shake the disciples out of their childish immaturity so that they can have a chance of surviving what is to come:

Bad things are going to happen to all of you. You might as well get used to that idea right now. I'm going to die, and you're all going to die too.

This journey is not about you getting what you want, at least not at first.

After this journey is over, you will get more than you ever dared to want, so keep that in mind as you endure this life's indignities, reversals, and yes, suffering.

"If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all." (I can't paraphrase this. I have no idea what it means. I'll just throw in this, from Luke: "Woe to you when all men speak well of you." So I have a feeling it has something to do with the triviality of the popularity contest I keep getting sucked into.)

Power and leadership in the kingdom are not based on throwing one's weight around, being large and in charge. They are based on service and sacrifice. (Sure doesn't look that way, even in Christendom, does it?)

OKAY, so maybe when I get what I Do Not Want, I could try keeping some of this stuff in mind? Because that was part of the deal I agreed to in the beginning...

Thoughts from Rick Warren

2009-07-26T17:54:00.002-04:00

You can follow Rick Warren on Twitter. Currently he is answering tweeted questions, and a number of them seem relevant to a conversation I participated in today about our responsibility and desire to introduce others to Jesus:

Acceptance isnt approval. Jesus publicly defended a woman’s dignity w/o approving her sin. He corrected privately. Copy him!

No one is argued into the Kingdom. We love people to Christ by serving them. Meeting felt needs is Christlike. Mk10:51

The 2 primary reasons people don’t follow Christ: 1) They’ve never met a follower. 2)They have. 1 Cor10:32b

More would love Jesus if we who believe the doctrines of grace were gracious! Our lives must“adorn” doctrine.Titus2:10

I still think words are, in fact, necessary, but these are good balancing points.

30 years later-- Not the survey

2009-06-26T12:05:00.002-04:00

One of the latest surveys making the FB rounds asks a bunch of questions about your HS experience. Don't feel like filling out the whole survey, and I bet you don't feel like reading it, but one question, about lunch, got me thinking. I loved lunch!

2 1/2 years of lunchtimes kinda do blend together after all these years, but one thing I remember vividly is a long table, running the whole length of the cafeteria (how were we allowed to do that? Didn't that destroy traffic flow?). That was my table, and it was populated by all three grade levels of theater people, music geeks, math and science whizzes, Campus Life people (aka the Jesus Freaks-- that would be me), foreign students, New Kids, and whoever else was smart, interesting, and willing to put up with endless discussions of politics, ethics and theology. I didn't eat lunch, a) because I could save a buck by buying a carton of milk and bumming everyone else's leftovers, and b) because I was way too busy working my way up and down the table to make sure I got to see everyone there. (Wow. Who did I think I was?) When the drama got to be too much for me, because, then as now, I felt everyone else's drama just as intensely as I felt my own, I would leave the cafeteria and go sit on a windowsill with my pocket NT (Yes, I was that kid). Good times, but over all too soon, because I graduated early to accommodate my family's move out of town.

But here's the really important thing about that lunch table. I remember one Campus Life meeting where the director was talking about cliques, and how we Christians could be a clique that left out and scared off everyone else. At the time, I remember nodding earnestly and taking notes and hoping to do better, but now I think maybe he was talking to someone else. Our table was probably pretty scary, but it was not exclusively Christian, or exclusively anything. In fact, as soon as I crawled out from under the rubble of my own preChristian early adolescence, the first thing I knew about being a Christian was that everyone's invited to the party. After all, I was invited-- and I had been the kid everyone else picks on. Therefore, as much as I had anything to say about it, the whole point of our lunch table, or any other event I had to do with, was to make sure everyone who wanted to be there was welcome there, and that anyone who wasn't welcome anywhere else was welcome there.

Now my kids know where they got it from. Oh... did I mention... Mark was always at my table?

Fixing people vs. raising people

2009-06-26T11:10:00.003-04:00

One of the many things I hated in the movie "Pay It Forward" was the pint-size Messiah's use of the phrase, "fix people." People are not toasters that you can dismantle, tinker with, and then restore to working order. Along comes Jonathan Wilson-Hargrove in the latest issue of PRISM (title link in the blog) to discuss whether community is more like a car repair or more like a garden.

Cars are supposed to run. They are supposed to go out on the highway, and then each one goes where it is going. But gardens are a place where plants are stuck. Each one grows, or doesn't grow, and produces, or doesn't produce, but the garden operates as a whole.

Too often, we see that our communities are like car repairs. People run; then, when they break, they come in hoping to be fixed so they can run again. And it looks like we should be able to run our community that way: "Sure, you're broken because _____. We can fix that, and then you can go out and do what you need to do." That outlook suits our utilitarian society... and, by the way, my project orientation.

But it turns out that people aren't like cars. The Bible doesn't compare people to industrial goods, to chariots or plows or threshers. It compares them to organic things, like sheep... and plants. And plants can't be repaired. Instead, they have to be nurtured. Their whole environment has to be tended... and then you have to wait. And then, when they are better, they are not going to go off and do what they do. They are going to keep hanging around, because that's how they do what they do.

Action point (from the essay): "Like a garden, you can't make community grow. All you can do is tend to a culture of grace and truth by listening to every voice, loving people who frustrate you, telling the truth as best as you can, and doing the dishes." Not trying to fix people as if they were toasters.

Validation, or, What I Really Learned From Student Teaching

2009-06-16T21:47:00.002-04:00

I used to live and die by the praise my work earned. I just couldn't function without regular positive feedback, and I carefully weighed all the negatives to try to understand what I had done wrong. And by used to, I mean like until last year. It was so middle school!

Just recently I realized that I don't need that as much any more. Especially in anything to do with my vocation or my ministry, which are basically the same thing, I know who I am and I know what I can do. And when things don't go well, I usually know why and how to make it better next time. I appreciate positive input and respond to criticism, but I don't agonize over either one. What made the difference?

I think a lot of it was student teaching. In one of my student teaching assignments, I truly did not always succeed. I didn't understand the population, I didn't design projects appropriately, I struggled with classroom management, and all my ideals got punched in the face. The kids were unresponsive. But my co-op was consistent in pointing out what worked and what could be better in a positive, yet objective way. She helped me become convinced that what I didn't know, I could learn, and grow into a better teacher.

In another placement, my co-op was herself struggling professionally. She worked very, very hard with very, very little recognition. Therefore she was very frustrated. Therefore, or for some other reason, her input to me was inconsistent and not very closely related to the quality of my work. By watching her, I learned that you can make yourself crazy by trying to earn favor from people who don't care. The only thing that makes sense is to work to your own standards, to do the job you know you can do and need to do. And by processing her input to me, I learned that a lot of the comments and opinions we get are not really about us. They're about the commenter's own inner experience.

In personal relationships, don't worry, I can still have plenty of insecurity. But in work and ministry, I think I'm finally learning not to live and die by the opinions of others.

Quixote at Broad Street Ministry

2009-05-27T17:45:00.002-04:00

Plan to go, right now. It's running every night for a couple of weeks, and it rocks hard. I mean literally. Music is provided by the gypsy/punk/gospel band known as the Psalters, while pros and amateurs tell the story of the old man who dreamed that he could save the world. There is so much going on-- on two levels of the old chapel-- that you may want to see it twice. Quixote's ideals are so beautiful, and his failures are so poignant, that I pretty much cried through the whole first half. There is so much injustice in the world, and half the time when we try to make it better we only make it worse, and some of it just gets better by itself....

But what a beautiful spirit could look at a prostitute and see a high-born lady...

Brooklyn/Manhattan Smackdown, Memorial Day edition

2009-05-27T05:46:00.003-04:00

So we all went up to Brooklyn to visit Sam and Katie. We decided to go to Prospect Park. It was a beautiful, almost too hot, day. We rode from one end of Bed-Stuy to the other and finally to the Museum and Botanical Gardens. We had an interesting and delicious, if poorly served, Mexican lunch and then were going to divide between art-lovers and nature lovers. But doh! it was a Monday, so no art for us. The botanical gardens are lovely, and nothing like Longwood, really. Very Japanese feel, very compact. But after an hour or so, we were hot, over them and ready to move on. Decision: a pilgrimage to Strawberry Fields, in Central Park.

As soon as we came up from the subway, we knew we weren't in Brooklyn anymore. Even from the Verrazano, Brooklyn looks like a woody hill with buildings, and Manhattan looks like a stack of blocks. At street level you can see that it's not that there are no trees in Manhattan; it's just that the buildings are all 20 stories tall! It took us a while to find Strawberry Fields, via the Hudson River, but that's ok. Central Park is so great. There's always something going on. And the Hudson was beautiful, too.

When we got to Strawberry Fields, which, in case you don't know, is a memorial to John Lennon, it was packed. There were 6 or 7 people with instruments playing Beatles songs, and quite a crowd listening and singing along. I had never seen it so busy, although judging from the number of benches provided, it had happened before. Someone had arranged a peace sign made of flowers very beautifully on the memorial mosaic, and was continually tending it as people passed by. The mood was quiet but not somber. It was a good place to pray for peace on Memorial Day.

Finally we went in search of sustenance. Nick's Burger and Pizza Joint, which claims to have been featured on Letterman and the movie Midnight Cowboy, gave complete satisfaction and egg creams (note for our next visit: take-out baklava!). When we got back to Bed-Stuy, Sam and Katie's neighbors were in front grilling. The complete absence of yard is no reason not to have an outdoor party!

Final score: Brooklyn 1 for trees and open space; Manhattan 1 for happeningness. Sam and Katie FTW, cause they get to hang out in both places all the time!

The Wheel of Desire

2009-05-24T18:34:00.002-04:00

I love the new mewithoutYou album. But I have an issue with one song. Jesus says in the Garden,

"If You're willing that this cup might pass
I could find my way back home,
maybe start a family all my own... but
does not the Father guide the Son? not my will but Yourse be done!
what else here to do?
what else me but You?"

and the snake who'd held the world,
a stick, a carrot and a string
was crushed beneathe the Foot of
Your not wanting
anything

My issue is that Satan wasn't crushed by Jesus' lack of desire. He was crushed by Jesus' submission of one desire-- to avoid suffering-- to a greater desire. That's why we call it the Passion. Desire saved us. Desire is not evil. It's what we do with it, how we direct it, and which desires we choose that make our lives morally good or bad. And I would argue that it's a relationship with the Creator that enables us to make those good choices... more consistently, anyway.

mewithoutYou CD Release Party

2009-05-24T08:01:00.002-04:00

First of all, can I just say that when the Troc is sold out, it is FREAKING CROWDED!!! Not that there's anything wrong with that...

The bill was eclectic. mwY believes in trying to broaden their audience's experiences! The openers were the Urban Sophisticates, who, as far as I could tell, played a lot of, or maybe only, their gospel material. They were fun to watch but even more fun to dance to, and the crowd was pretty open to them, even though that's not exactly what they signed up for.

Then we went to art rock with Danielson, which, frankly, confused the crowd a little more. But I don't know why-- to me they do exactly the same kind of music mwY does: thoughtful, Scriptural lyrics delivered in a really strange vocal style over insanely tight, but also somewhat odd, music. Spencer and Hannah were digging them hard, which was fun to watch. They played most of "Ships," in their seafaring uniforms, including their greatest hit, "DId I Step on Your Trumpet?" I massively respect what they are trying to do, and although their music is not super-accessible, seeing them perform it helps me understand the point of the recordings better.

When mewithoutYou went on stage, I was swept away by the crowd and fled to the balcony, from which I viewed with interest all the chanting, clapping and moshing, while not getting stepped on. I have been to a lot of shows by bands that inspire a lot of devotion, but when the lead singer mainly recites rather than singing, and 800 people are reciting every word along with him, it's pretty weird. I love the new album, and I loved watching them perform it, even though the sound seemed kind of muddy. They brought a chamber orchestra on stage to back one song, so that was extra exciting.

All in all, a great evening which reminded me that music is something that saves your life, not just something that you have to try to feed to 3-year-olds in bite sizes while preventing them from biting each other!

Unexpected Wounds

2009-05-18T19:02:00.002-04:00

Julian of Norwich asked God for "the wound of true contrition; the wound of loving compassion; and the wound of longing with my will for God." I would not have thought of those as wounds, and I don't know why she did, but after some thought, I could see it. To understand and be truly sorry for one's sins and faults is a great sorrow and pain. To care about the sufferings of others in love is to suffer. And to desire God is, in this world, to experience a degree of frustration of that desire... And yet these three wounds are what make us human and what enable us to be in relationship with God.

True devotion

2009-05-06T20:11:00.002-04:00

"Many persons clothe themselves with certain outward actions connected with holy devotion.... whereas they are in fact nothing but copies and phantoms of devotion.

"Genuine devotion.... is simply true love of God.

"...it arouses us to do quickly and lovingly as many good works as possible, both those commanded and those merely counseled or inspired.

"...as Joshua and Caleb held both that the Promised Land was good and beautiful and that its possession would be sweet and agreeable, so too the Holy Spirit by the mouths of all the saints and our Lord by His own mouth assure us that a devout life is sweet, happy and loveable.

"[Those who live devoutly}... are either people with angelic hearts or angels in human bodies. They are not young, although they seem to be so because they are so full of vigor and spiritual agility. They have wings to soar aloft in holy prayer and they also have feet to walk among people in a holy and loving way of life.

"...every vocation becomes more agreeable when united with devotion. Care of one's family is rendered more peaceable, love of husband and wife more sincere... and every type of employment more pleasant and agreeable."

Quoted in: Devotional Classics, Foster and Smith, eds.

It's My Party, and I'll Cry If I Want To

2009-05-05T10:19:00.002-04:00

I have decided that a lot of sad things that happen to other people affect us. People try to talk me out of being sad by saying, "It's not your problem," or whatever, but the fact is that when you live in community, other people's problems are not only sad because you care about the other people, but they actually do directly ripple into your own daily life. For example, if one of my friends at work gets laid off (or fired... no resemblance to real life events...), not only am I sad for that person's sake, but I have reason to be sad for my own sake too. After all, now I won't get to see my friend at work any more; I will probably end up doing some or all of her job in addition to mine; and if it was an economic layoff, now the sword's over my head too. It's my job and I'll cry if I want to. Just not on her shoulder; that would be unreasonable, of course.

That's just one example of why I am allowed to be sad when sad things happen to other people. And that's all I have to say about that.

Jesus saves, but only if you ask Him nicely

2009-05-03T14:57:00.002-04:00

The Sunday School students were reenacting a Bible story this morning, as they love to do. (They always fight over who gets to be Jesus.) This was the one where Jesus calls Peter to walk on the water, and then Peter starts looking at the waves and falls in, and then he calls out and Jesus saves him.

The kid playing Peter "sank" very convincingly, but the kid playing Jesus just stood there as "Peter" writhed around. I said, "Save her! She's drowning!" "Jesus" said, "She didn't yell 'help!'" and I had to agree that "Jesus" had a point. God may or may not help those who help themselves, but He certainly does not help those who don't ask for it. And maybe that would be a good policy for all of us to follow.

A parable about hospitality

2009-04-26T16:02:00.002-04:00

A huge crowd of people gathered to be with Jesus. It got late and Jesus' helpers said, "We're not near any stores; let's wrap up the ministry so people can start on the long journey to get dinner somewhere."

But Jesus said, "They need not go away; you give them something to eat."

They said, "We only have five rolls and two fish fillets."

He said, "Let me have a look." Then he told everyone in the crowd to sit down as for a picnic. He took and blessed the food, and began passing it out, and it was enough and more than enough, and they had leftovers enough to take to the food bank.

Moral: Your resources are limited. You have no answers and no prophetic insight. Your table is small, you only have 3 lbs. of meat, you are tired, whatever. You are ready to cut the ministry off so people can go find some resources elsewhere. But Jesus says, "Don't send them away. You give them something to eat." He doesn't say, "I'm going to magically meet their needs." He says, "You move and give what you have and I will multiply it, and you will feast on the leftovers of the not enough that you shared with them.

"YOU give them something to eat."

And that's why I do what I do.

Taking Chances

2009-04-14T18:57:00.003-04:00

I am so happy for Spencer (title link) and Hannah-- they have scored studio recording time in May! And that makes me think of how proud I am of all my kids and all my young friends who have worked hard and taken risks to pursue impossible dreams. They move to crazy neighborhoods, choose ridiculous majors, go halfway across the country or leave the country altogether, quit school, start school, and work two jobs, stay up late and get up early, all because they know now is the time! I am SO proud of them all.

I've been thinking about my favorite song by the Format, "On Your Porch." In the first chorus the father says what all fathers and mothers should say: "If you fail then you fail but not to us." In the second chorus the boy says "If I fail then I fail but I gave it a shot." So to all of you: If you fail, well, you fail, but never to us. We will always be proud of you that you went for your dreams. And I don't think you'll ever regret that you gave them your best shot.

Why don't you let her drive the train?

2009-04-03T17:30:00.002-04:00

My baby wants to drive the train
But don't you let her, don't you let her touch the tracks
I said my baby wants to drive the train
Well all aboard yeah, and don't forget to mind the gap
Don't you let her, don't you know
She's sick and tired of
Being in the background, the passenger
Let her drive the train, oh!

This song by the Arctic Monkeys is dedicated to Hannah in memory of her summer at Moore College, and in honor of the generations of Schulz women who tired quickly of being the passenger. Choo choo! Just let us drive the train!

Just in time

2009-04-01T16:36:00.002-04:00

So there I was, standing in the grocery store line, almost mindless from getting up at 6 AM and driving to NJ 2 days in a row so that I could have 4 days of work guaranteed a week, which is really more than I need, but I said yes because in this economy, we all have to work as much as we can while we can, knowing the work could dry up at any time, and I picked up the latest issue of Oprah (title link). And you see what I saw: "When and How to Say Enough!"

For some people, the "just-in-time" lifestyle is the way I live: working at a task, then quitting it just in time to rush to my next appointment. If traffic's bad or there's a complication, I'm up a creek. But if I left earlier, traffic might be good and I might be... bored! Not only that, but that precious time I could have spent folding the laundry, I'll never get back!

But the just-in-time lifestyle could be construed a different way. It could be modeled on "just-in-time" manufacturing, where instead of stockpiling resources, I just took what I needed. Do I have enough work now to meet our financial goals? Yes. Then I'm done. I can say no to more hours. Do I have a book to read now? Yes. Then I probably don't need that pile in my room. Most importantly, am I enjoying myself now? I don't have to grab at every experience and every opportunity that goes by. There will be others. Movies, shows, and social events are all like buses, and it's okay to say no when I have to, trusting that there will be more when I need them!

Here I am, and it's Wednesday night. I'm looking forward to getting together with 5 of the most interesting people I know, to watch one of the best shows on TV. I get to do this because one Wednesday night I was bored and depressed. I checked to see who was online on Facebook to see if anyone wanted to get out of the house with me for a bit. The woman I asked said she couldn't go out, but I could come over there if I wanted. And now I have a whole new set of friends. See, they showed up just in time, just when I needed to get out of the house on a Wednesday night. And that's just one example. If I think about it, I realize that when I stop conniving and stockpiling and being so prophylactic, the things and the people and the experiences I need will show up when I need them. I can loosen my death grip!

Hm... "Don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will take care of itself." Who said that?

Jesus Our Example

2009-03-22T21:21:00.002-04:00

That's what the pastor's been preaching on lately. Today he talked about how Jesus passed out cold in the boat-- the fishing boat, not the yacht, people-- because he was just wiped out from solving everyone's problems all day long. Moral: When you're doing ministry right, when you are the Almighty Son of God For Crying Out Loud, ministry will sometimes wipe you out and you will need to crash. And then someone will wake you up yelling, "We're all going to die!" (They're not, but you'll humor them. Then maybe you'll go back to bed.

I think this is a brilliant point. And I think it can be explored further. Sometimes, when you're doing ministry right, you will just have to cry about what's going on. Sometimes you will be facing something so intense you can't sleep. I don't know if you'll literally sweat blood, but where do you think we got that expression? Sometimes, while you are having this intense struggle, you will look around for someone to support you, and they will all be clueless, all the people you have loved and served and knocked yourself out for, and you'll be alone. All these things will happen to you when you're in ministry, because they happened to the Almighty Son of God Already, and what, are you better at life than Him? So chances are these aren't the only things that will happen to you that you won't love.

So what? Bag ministry, it's obviously overrated? How about just knowing how much this tower is going to cost to build before you start. How about not being surprised and giving up when it gets ugly. How about crashing and burning and crying and sweating and then taking that nap and getting up and doing it all again, because it's what you were called to do, and it's really the only thing you can do. Because once you've started living out your calling, nothing else makes any sense at all.

My calling in life

2009-03-19T22:09:00.002-04:00

Never thought I'd get direction from a Newsboys song, especially one as ridiculous as "Wherever We Go," but here it is:

Hands up
Holler back here
Let’s throw this party in gear
We brought the welcome mat
Wherever we go, that’s where the party’s at
Hands up
Holler back now
We don’t claim any know-how
We’re giving God all that
Wherever we go, that’s where the party’s at

The phrase that caught my attention was: "We brought the welcome mat." I do like to make the party happen, and it's very, very important to me that everyone feels invited. And I have found out the hard way that I was not cut out to be a 24-hour party person-- I just have to sleep too much to pull that off!-- but I realized listening to this song that I can be, should be, and am a 12-hour party person, with a portable welcome mat. Just got to keep my boundaries in place so I don't crash and burn and become a party pooper.

An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England

2009-03-16T19:04:00.002-04:00

This is an odd and wonderful book that had me LOL right up until the moment that I realized everyone was going to die and no one was going to learn anything. (Not a spoiler; I'm exaggerating. As the titular arsonist may or may not have done at any time.) So I'm just going to quote:

"...love changes us, makes us into people whom others then want to love. That's why, to those of us without it, love is the voice asking, What else? What else? And to those of us who have had love and lost it or thrown it away, then love is the voice that leads us back to love, to see if it might still be ours or if we've lost it for good. For those of us who've lost it, love is also the thing that makes us speak in aphorisms about love, which is why we try to get love back, so we can stop speaking that way. Aphoristically, that is." (p. 157)

"people went on vacatoin not to get a break from their home but to imagine getting a new home, a better home, in which they'd live a better life. I knew this because as I drove, the hole that was me and my life was getting smaller and smaller and was being filled up with New Hampshire, or maybe it was only the idea of New Hampshire, but who cares, as long as it was filling up the hole." (p. 190)

Catching Up with Numb3rs

2009-03-12T11:42:00.004-04:00

So I'm catching up on the shows I missed while the TiVo was kaput. I found myself watching this episode with fast-forward at the ready, because it was one of those stories that manages to critique how women can't be taken seriously as professionals without their sex appeal becoming a factor, while simultaneously exploiting Liz' sex appeal... but that's not what I want to talk about here. I just want to pass on some of the last lines of dialogue:

Don: Did you think you were going to save the world, Charlie?

Charlie: Not the whole world...

D: Y'know, we just gotta fight the little battles.

C: Even if there's no shot at winning the war?

D: Things are better today than they were yesterday, right?

A Really Big Show!!!!

2009-03-09T22:17:00.003-04:00

I'm going to see David Byrne June 6!!!
And you see numbers 15, 14 and 13 in section 19? The front row of the balcony? Those seats are for me, Mark and Johnny Wood to SEE DAVID BYRNE!!

Did I mention I have tickets for David Byrne??

Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont

2009-03-04T07:25:00.003-05:00

I'm glad this book has been reissued, but sorry they put a picture from the movie on the cover. The two stories are quite different. Having seen the movie first, and picked up the book because I wanted the same story again, I was rather startled. But that's not what I want to write about.

The movie is a story about friendship, and how warm, healthy, valuable friendships can be formed in the most unlikely places. That's the story I wanted to read. But the book is a story about love, and how it's never equal, and that's the story I wanted to avoid, because it's what I've been thinking about a lot lately.

Truly reciprocal relationships are really hard to find. Inequities in circumstances nearly always result in inequities in the dynamics of the friendship. And then there's the fear that one person values the relationship more than the other-- a fear that is very often founded in fact. Children don't love their parents as much as the parents love their children (or, in rare cases, vice versa). She builds her world around him, but he's just having a bit of fun (or vice versa, of course). Girl 2 idolizes girl 2, who just tolerates her because it's kind of nice being worshipped. When someone says, "You never call me; I always have to call you," that's what they mean: "You don't like me as much as I like you."

Taylor does a great job of surfacing all these inequities. She exposes the ridiculous and the unlovely ways we think about each other... and then she leaves them there. She offers no resolutions. As in an Eastern tragedy, everyone dies and nobody learns anything. Which, oddly, doesn't make it an unpleasant book. It's all told with such tenderness towards the failures of its characters that we are glad to have spent these hours with them, frail and foolish though they are.

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I still want to know whether inequities in circumstances can be overcome by true reciprocity in relationship. I still want to know if insecurities and scorekeeping can be overcome by pure enjoyment of another human being. The movie says yes, but the book says no...

Heroes

2009-02-25T16:37:00.002-05:00

So after finishing Watchmen, I was thinking about heroes. Throughout human history, we've wanted them and told stories about them. But when does a hero become a rogue vigilante, so morally compromised that he does as much damage as he is trying to prevent? How can heroes avoid becoming what they fight? And is there any ethical way to practice any kind of heroism-- and I include the varieties that are accessible to us, like firefighting, etc-- without just putting bandaids on bulletholes? And is there a way to change the world, a way to contribute to systemic change, so that there will be less bulletholes-- without falling into Ozymandias' trap and becoming the same kind of monster you want to stop?

On a less grandiose scale, I was watching a little movie called Humboldt County. It's nothing special, really, but it was about people who tried to solve the same problem in a different way, by dropping off the grid. I remember this theory from the 60's: we can create alternate societies within America that are more just and more loving, and the example will trickle down or spread around until we live in a country where war just doesn't make sense. Not that the yippies invented this theory-- the Pilgrims, I think, talked about being a city on a hill, and we haven't stopped since. But that effort hasn't worked much better. The pot farmers of Humboldt County, or the Rainbow People who live in national parks, have their own problems.

I know we're called to colonize the earth as representatives of the kingdom of heaven; and I believe that forceful methods of doing so have been tried and found wanting. But I'm still looking for the stories about the grassroots methods that do no harm and that actually move things forward.

Poor Mr. Skunk!

2009-02-24T07:15:00.002-05:00

Child, to puppet:
Mr. Skunk, where are your parents?

Mr. Skunk, operated by my associate:
Oh, I don't live with my parents any more. They asked me to leave home. They said, Mr. Skunk, you are thirty years old. Why are you still living at home? You need to get your own place!

Children, stricken, all at once:
Oh, you must be so sad! Don't you miss your Mommy and Daddy? What do you eat? Etc.

Me (knowing they have no idea how old 30 is): Well, Mr. Skunk is a grown up, so it's all right. He can find his own food.

Mr. Skunk: And I still see my Mommy and Daddy a lot. I go visit them. They are all right, as skunks go.

Sayers on Worship

2009-02-11T15:18:00.002-05:00

I was tempted to check the copyright on this quote. But I know Sayers has been dead for years, so she couldn't possibly have been writing about us... right?

"Christ, in His Divine innocence, said to the Woman of Samaria, "Ye worship ye know not what"-- being apparently under the impression that it might be desirable, on the whole, to know what one was worshipping. He thus showed Himself sadly out of touch with the twentieth-century mind, for the cry today is: "Away with the tedious complexities of dogma [doctrine; theology]-- let us have the simple spirit of worship; just worship, no matter of what!" The only drawback to this demand for a generalized and undirected worship is the practical difficulty of arousing any sort of enthusiasm for the worship of nothing in particular."

Dorothy Sayers, Essayist: Part One

2009-02-11T14:19:00.003-05:00

Turns out that when Sayers wrote popular theological essays, although her form was like that of C.S. Lewis, her style was hugely indebted to G.K. Chesterton. To wit (as it were):

"That God should play the tyrant over man is a dismal story of unrelieved oppression; that man should play the tyrant over man is the usual dreary record of human futility; but that man should play the tyrant over God and Him a better man than himself is an astonishing drama indeed."

"If spiritual pastors are to refrain from saying anything that might ever, by any possibility, be misunderstood by anybody, they will end-- as in fact many of them do-- by never saying anything worth hearing."

She also talks about such practical outworkings of doctrine as the way we respond to war, economic crisis, etc: the fight between good and evil is ongoing. The kingdom of God is established only with struggle, for every generation. "[Christianity} is fiercely and even harshly realistic, insisting that the Kingdom of Heaven can never be attained in this world except by unceasing toil and struggle and vigilance: that, in fact, we cannot be good and cannot be happy, but that there are certain eternal achievements that make even happiness look like trash."

She calls for a Christian doctrine of work, one to set over against the fallacy 'that work is not the expression of man's creative energy in the service of society, but only something he does in order to obtain money and leisure." She goes on to repeat a friend's observation that "nobody works for the sake of getting the thing done. The actual result of the work is a by-product; the aim of the work is to make money to do something else. Doctors practice medicine, not primarily to relieve suffering, but to make a living-- the cure of the patient is something that happens on the way." She further allows as how it is difficult to view work sacramentally when so much of the work that is available, indeed, perhaps most of it, is spiritually degrading to some extent. We work for corporations that we know are abusing the earth; we make products that we know people don't need; it seems that we've just got to, as Cake sings, "keep this traffic flowing and accept a little sin."

Hezekiah Jones, Sisters 3 and Andrew Lipke at the Note

2009-02-07T14:32:00.002-05:00

I am so excited about the Note! No more do I drool in frantic, frustrated jealousy at the listings for Johnny Brenda's and the Khyber, knowing that by the time we drive into the city it'll be a $75 up-until-2-am kind of night. Nope, I just stroll down to the Note, where there's no parking fee, no minimum, and a lot of the suspects look pretty usual. So Thursday's treat was an evening of alt-folk. Hezekiah Jones brought about 7 of the "Jones" clan with him, including our favorite, a banjo player! So the sound we heard was more complex than what you'll hear on the website. They also, much to my joy, covered "Blow Your Whistle, Freight Train," in a nice take that was original without being just plain weird. Mark loved the Joneses.

Next up were (was?) Sisters 3, the reason I had come. I had heard AnnaChristie at an open mike night at Fennario's, and was blown away by her stunning voice, charming stage presence, and songwriting. The full band exceeded expectations, with a really interesting, harder sound than is on their website. They were exploring all kinds of sounds under their stunning vocal harmonies and mature songwriting. I am adding them to the list of bands I will see in a box, with a fox, in the rain or on a train!

We stuck around long enough to hear a lot of Andrew Lipke and the Prospect. The hook there was the girl with the viola, who did double duty on keys. They had a poppier sound, as you can hear, which Mark didn't enjoy as much, but I liked for being danceable and interesting to watch. I thought they were engaging, and I would definitely see them again.

All in all, another successful evening. I just can't believe that Bam did something right!

A Heartbreaking Moment of Staggering Honesty

2009-02-02T17:53:00.002-05:00

So as I was trying to get a class settled for a lesson today, a 2 1/2 year old said, "I miss my mommy."
Well, all the 2 1/2 year olds miss their mommies, so I just brushed him off: "You'll get to see her tonight."
Then he looked deep into my eyes and said, very simply, "But I miss her all day."
I realized that he wasn't whining or goldbricking, he was, in a very articulate and self-aware way, sharing his heart with me, and the hole that was in it because he had to spend all day, every day, away from his mommy.
What could I say? The truth is probably that his mommy misses him too. But I didn't think of that. I was so much in his world for that moment. I could only say, "I'm sorry. I know how you feel. But try to have fun with this lesson anyway, even though it would be more fun if your mommy were here."
And then he did.
I spend all day with people burrowing into my lap, clinging to my leg, and, if they are a little older, running up to me to tell me about their new shoes, their birthdays, and their opinions. They are all showing me that they need more than they can ever receive, that there's a hole in their hearts that they hope I can plug up for five minutes, but I have never been so moved by the depth of human neediness.

My Dream

2009-02-01T21:48:00.002-05:00

I know, I know, this is SO lame. Especially since I heard it on a Superbowl commercial. But these words are just TOO beautiful to lose. They are my life goals for myself and everyone I love:

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young

Montgomery County Trails

2009-02-01T18:50:00.002-05:00

Today I got to explore a bit of the Perkiomen Valley Trail. The Perkiomen "Creek," which is as wide as the Kaw, was still mostly frozen, although this was a 50 degree day (YAY!!!!). I could see the trails of footprints from all the people who have been walking across it. It goes more or less North/South from Perkiomenville to Oaks. There, it connects with the Schuylkill River Trail, which will eventually run from Philadelphia to Pottsville. I didn't go far enough to see the Schuylkill, so I don't know if it's still frozen too. But imagine those rivers, all frozen enough to walk on. You could be like Hans Brinker, and skate from Collegeville to Pottstown, or Philadelphia to Reading. The rivers, and the trail, go through all the towns that have sprung up along them.

The funniest thing I saw was a sign on the trail advertising a go-kart place. Like you are going to be hiking or biking 10 miles, and you will suddenly think, "You know what I could go for right now? A go-kart." They said "go-karts this way," but I didn't see the track anywhere, either. America's a strange and wonderful place.

Steppin' Razors and Slo-Mo at the Note

2009-01-25T00:47:00.002-05:00

Going for the record for most consecutive nights out, over 40 division, we walked over to the Note tonight and checked out the Slo Mo show. Steppin' Razors, a reggae band, opened. They were really enjoyable and sang about God and Zion and good stuff like that, which I appreciated. My only issue with reggae is an hour of it is maybe a little more than I really need. But that could be just me. Slo Mo was in fine form, and played a couple of nice new songs as well as all the old favorites, including my other theme song, "Everybody Knows I'm In Love with You."

The venue itself is smokin'. (The attendees, however, have to go outside to do so). It's a beautifully renovated warehouse, with a nice selection of boutique beers on tap and lots of beautiful people of all ages, including mine, upstairs and down. (Sorry, kids-- it's usually a 21+ joint.) A great place to enjoy music and have a draft. They serve food, too-- I don't know if it's any good, but at least it's reasonably priced. Come early if you want a table, but if you like that band, you don't want a table-- the dance floor fills, and these people are no shoegazing hipsters. They are movin' and groovin', and a good time is had by all. Recommended.

Fiction Family at the World Cafe

2009-01-23T07:11:00.003-05:00

First, the venue: World Cafe has an upstairs boite that hosts open mikes, local bands, etc, and has great Happy Hour specials. Downstairs is a bigger joint, but still very intimate. There is a floor of tables, a slightly raised area with one more row of tables and the GA "standing room" (really sitting at the bar). There are no bad sight lines or acoustical issues, so do not fear to buy a ticket anywhere.

The catch is that World Cafe Live seems to be under the impression that it is a restaurant with a hefty cover charge, rather than a venue that happens to serve food. If you have reserved a table seat, there's a $10 minimum, but if you're planning on actually eating dinner there, you will have to work hard to keep it under $20 apiece, and you could easily spend $50. And the food we had was not amazing. So do what you want, but next time we go, we'll eat upstairs during happy hour, and sit at the bar or meet our minimum with drinks and onion rings.

Now, the show. The show! Well, I have never seen Nickel Creek before, but I knew that Switchfoot puts on a very entertaining show, and even though Jon is now behind an acoustic playing for grownups, he hasn't forgotten how to rock the mike. He and Sean interacted with the audience in a very relaxed manner all evening, and they interacted with each other and the band as well to keep things interesting. They played the poppy folk they have developed as Fiction Family, but they also traded spaces to rock out and return to bluegrass roots intermittently. They also completely blew me away about three songs in when Foreman said, "This next song is one we've never played before," and he and Sean launched into "women and children first, children first, children first..." Yes, kids, they did the entire vocal portion of Idioteque with a four-piece band and two voices. Beautiful. They sang silly songs and sad songs and worship songs and murder songs... It was just like life with the boring parts taken out. Which just happens to be a friend's definition of fiction. Whaddaya know.

More about Hell

2009-01-15T10:07:00.002-05:00

From NT Wright's book, Surprised by Hope:

"God's powerful love embraces the unexpected as well as the obvious."

"some categories of people are "outside"... but... the river of the water of life flows out of the city; that growing on either bank is the tree of life, not a single tree but a great many; and the "leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations."

Eternal destiny is still a bit of a mystery, but there are hints in the Old and New Testaments of the possibility of universal redemption, or at least of God's redemptive work continuing after death. BUT what's really interesting is that what interests God may not be primarily the salvation of my soul. "... the major, central, framing question ius theat of God's purpose of rescue and re-creation for the whole world, the entire cosmos.... how is God going to rescue the world through Israel and thereby rescue Israel itself as part of the process but not as the point of it all?" In other words, we are not in it just to save our souls from hell, but to be part of a vast cosmological scheme of redemption, when all shall be made well.

Verizon 20/20 Scam!

2009-01-14T17:32:00.002-05:00

You can purchase a Verizon Fios 20.20 plan if you want... but at least if you live in West Chester, PA, you may have purchased one without knowing it. Today a couple of Verizon guys came to our door. I told them up front that I didn't want to buy anything, and they said they just needed my permission on a form to upgrade my wiring at no charge. They were going to fill it out for me, but I had a look, and it was not a work order. It was a purchase order. The bottom line very clearly stated that by signing, I was agreeing to purchase the above named services. I said I wasn't going to sign it, and he said, no, I wouldn't be buying anything, whatever, but, kids, always get it in writing. He started making a phone call, and I'm saying nothing anyone could say to me would make me sign a purchase order for something I do not want. Finally I get my point across, keep the document, and get my door closed against the 18 degree weather. But the more I thought about it, the fishier it sounded, and so I called the number on the bottom of the document. Oh yeah, it was the real Verizon number... I'd know that annoying robot lady anywhere. Well, the Verizon people professed themselves to be shocked, shocked, and said I didn't need and wasn't scheduled for any free upgrades. Yucky Verizon. Why do we do business with them, again?

The Big Apple

2009-01-13T15:03:00.002-05:00

We took Spencer to Greenwich Village last Thursday. Whenever one goes someplace that has historic interest, the intersection of the past and the present can be confusing. People roller-blade in Valley Forge, where bayonet blades were once sharpened by men with bloody feet. And the Bitter End, which launched the careers of people like Dylan and Baez, now hosts soul/pop girl-power singers. But that's what makes NYC, or Philly, so great-- it's not just a place where stuff used to happen. It's a place where stuff is always happening. We attending an art opening where we realized one of the painters was transgendered; we found a whole store dedicated to zines and obscure poetry, and a dress shop called (I am not making this up) "Just Pleats."

We also saw two lovely exhibits. One was work by Nobuyoshi Araki, who is apparently best known for erotic/pornographic photography of women. But the exhibit we saw was daily life portraits, sometimes 3 or 4 shots of the same person, in settings like subway cars. Each photo was beautifully composed and so forth, but what was really wonderful was the overall effect. All these photos, most head shots, all these people in a Japanese city, completely belied the notion of faceless anonymity. Every person was known, identified, honored as an individual. It was sort of the opposite of pornography.

The other was at the National Museum of the American Indian. Fritz Scholder was showing large works under the rubric "Indian/Not Indian." They were all figures, more or less abstracted, and very effectively representing various psychological states. They were transcendent, they were grounded, they were like color-field paintings of human beings. They were also really, really big, and call me shallow, but I like a really big area of color I can disappear into.

That's NY for you: something for everyone.

What the Hell?

2009-01-13T14:45:00.002-05:00

So no one likes the doctrine of hell. Some people refuse to believe it; some people reinterpret it as a version of Purgatory; some people have left the faith altogether because of it. I'm reading a book by N.T. Wright (Surprised by Hope) that is about the resurrection of the body, which must touch on what will become of those resurrected to eternal punishment. Here's the big news flash: if you don't believe in a pit of fire populated by demons employed by Satan in poking sinners with pitchforks, or if you don't think Schaudenfraude has any place in the home of the Blessed, you may not have to. That image is very weakly supported (Mark 9:48, quoting Isaiah, who is talking about corpses, not immortal souls).

However, as Wright points out, if what you don't believe in is judgement, you're a) out of luck and b) lying. Everybody thinks somebody should be judged; they only differ on whether it's homosexuals or homophobes, gangstas or haters, whose actions are condemnable. How will that judgement take place? Scripture's not real definite about that, but one thing is clear-- we're going to be surprised. No, I take it back, there's another thing we know: Everyone has done something worthy of condemnation, and nobody who will accept mercy from Jesus will be condemned.

I hope that those of you who decided you couldn't believe in a God who would build a place of eternal torment for His children will turn around and realize that you don't have to. And those of you who know you are living in Purgatory now (we all are; we just don't all know it all the time)... well, I hope you'll know God's loving arms around you as you get through it. There's a good time coming, and mercy for all who will receive it.

Patti Smith falls for God

2009-01-09T17:35:00.002-05:00

Sorry, I know I did this a couple of days ago. But this song blindsided me on the radio. I found out later it's called "Dancing Barefoot," which is what we do in church.

(oh God I fell for you ...)

the plot of our life sweats in
the dark like a face
the mystery of childbirth,
of childhood itself
grave visitations
what is it that calls to us?
why must we pray screaming?
why must not death be redefined?
we shut our eyes we stretch out our arms
and whirl on a pane of glass
an afixiation a fix on
anything the line of life
the limb of a tree
the hands of he and the
promise that she is blessed
among women.

(oh God I fell for you ...)

Ain't Talkin'

2009-01-06T19:19:00.002-05:00

I know this is kind of lame. But I was listening to this song in the car and I was blown away. Especially since it was surrounded by jolly swing tunes about women. There's not a line here that I haven't experienced at some point. I could read the tea leaves and speculate about what this song tells us about Dylan's current spiritual state, but I remember an interview I read with him about 25 years ago. He said people wanted to know where he was at because they didn't know where they were at. Well, I know where I'm at, and I know what a song like this says to me. If that's not what he was trying to say, well, tough. I like it my way.

As I walked out tonight in the mystic garden
The wounded flowers were dangling from the vine
I was passing by yon cool crystal fountain
Someone hit me from behind

Ain't talking, just walking
Through this weary world of woe
Heart burning, still yearning
No one on earth would ever know

They say prayer has the power to heal
So pray for me, mother
In the human heart an evil spirit can dwell
I am trying to love my neighbor and do good unto others
But oh, mother, things ain't going well

Ain't talking, just walking
I'll burn that bridge before you can cross
Heart burning, still yearning
There'll be no mercy for you once you've lost

Now I'm all worn down by weeping
My eyes are filled with tears, my lips are dry
If I catch my opponents ever sleeping
I'll just slaughter them where they lie

Ain't talking, just walking
Through the world mysterious and vague
Heart burning, still yearning
Walking through the cities of the plague.

Well, the whole world is filled with speculation
The whole wide world which people say is round
They will tear your mind away from contemplation
They will jump on your misfortune when you're down

Ain't talking, just walking
Eating hog eyed grease in a hog eyed town.
Heart burning, still yearning
Some day you'll be glad to have me around.

They will crush you with wealth and power
Every waking moment you could crack
I'll make the most of one last extra hour
I'll revenge my father's death then I'll step back

Ain't talking, just walking
Hand me down my walking cane.
Heart burning, still yearning
Got to get you out of my miserable brain.

All my loyal and my much-loved companions
They approve of me and share my code
I practice a faith that's been long abandoned
Ain't no altars on this long and lonesome road

Ain't talking, just walking
My mule is sick, my horse is blind.
Heart burning, still yearning
Thinking about that girl I left behind.

Well, it's bright in the heavens and the wheels are flying
Fame and honor never seem to fade
The fire gone out but the light is never dying
Who says I can't get heavenly aid?

Ain't talking, just walking
Carrying a dead man's shield
Heart burning, still yearning
Walking with an ache in my heel

The suffering is unending
Every nook and cranny has its tears
I'm not playing, I'm not pretending
I'm not nursing any superfluous fears

Ain't talking, just walking
Walking ever since the other night.
Heart burning, still yearning
Walking until I'm clean out of sight.

As I walked out in the mystic garden
On a hot summer day, a hot summer lawn
Excuse me, ma'am, I beg your pardon
There's no one here, the gardener is gone

Ain't talking, just walking
Up the road, around the bend.
Heart burning, still yearning
In the last outback at the world's end.

Still here

2009-01-06T13:17:00.002-05:00

All the action is on Facebook and Twitter these days, and besides that, I broke the computer... but here's what's up, for anyone who cares.

Still working at the daycares and loving it, but facing the prospect of steadily decreasing hours. After all, when times get tough, arts educators are first to the wall. Meanwhile, SAT tutoring business is increasing (and going well), for a net break-even, at least for now. And what I am learning from my friends in the building trades is that if you have work today, you are thankful, and you work it, and you will worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Didn't Jesus say something about that? I get to be pretty sure that I have full employment a whole two weeks out, and that's more than we were really promised.

In other news, I have been LOVING having a house full of people ever since Josh came back. This the last people's last week, and then I will be sad and lonely, so come visit me!

Never a dull moment

2008-12-17T15:52:00.002-05:00

I was at work for all of four hours, much of which I spent in a closet or in front of a computer. But in the time I did spend with kids, I had three exciting experiences:
1- I was mobbed by 18 four-year-olds all trying to hug me at once. I felt like a Kmart employee on Black Friday! I had to do crowd control so no one would get hurt!
2- A 5-year-old had the most monumental meltdown I have EVER seen. Wow. I took the other 6 into another part of the room and tried to tell them the story of Jack and the Beanstalk so the classroom teachers could help him, but they were pretty distracted. One of them just kept staring, and announced cheerfully, "I'm watching the show!" That didn't go over so well with the melted-down child's brother, but now that I think about it, it was a pretty good way of looking at what might otherwise be a somewhat scary situation.
3- After work, I chose to eat lunch with a class. Good thing, otherwise I would have missed this announcement:
"Miss Gretchen, I know everything.
Because God told me.
When I was an angel."
Wow. Good thing we have that kid around to answer all our questions!

Wherever two or three are gathered in My name, there I am in the midst of them...

2008-12-14T21:36:00.002-05:00

I am always (needlessly) surprised when I am away on a Sunday and attend a different church, and God shows up. I have seen God in a Latin Mass, in a stadium women's event, and now in an Episcopal church in Boston. I know almost exactly what was said because we had a printed liturgy, and this was almost the opening prayer:

"Stir up your power, O Lord, and with great might come among us; and because we are sorely hindered by our sins, let your bountiful grace and mercy speedily help and deliver us; through Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom, with you and the Holy Spirit, be honor and glory, now and for ever, Amen."
That is exactly what I have been trying to pray for the last two weeks, but didn't know it.

The sermon was great. It was about true joy versus forced cheerfulness, and the first thing she talked about was repentance. Joy comes first from that wellspring of owning whatever part we have in all the unhappiness in the world... the personal sin that riddles my own good deeds, and the systemic sins in which I take part whether I know it or not. When I receive forgiveness, then I move into reconciliation, which becomes a wellspring of joy.

The last words spoken were these: "The mass has ended, but the service has just begun; Go and serve the Lord." Amen!

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

2008-12-05T09:28:00.003-05:00

So last night at a company dinner I heard about the third wave of psychotherapy. The title link will direct you to a popular exposition of this new approach, including an interview with the author, Steven Hayes. I like him already-- the way he talks about the mind reminds me of Laurie Anderson's song, "Baby Doll." It begins, "I don't know about your brain, but mine is really bossy."

I didn't know how interested in and informed about psychotherapy I was until I was talking to these graduate students last night. I couldn't keep up, exactly, but when I asked a question I could understand the answer! Many people have said psychotherapy is our new national religion and health is the new salvation, and I take their point. But I do think that some of the practices that have been introduced by psychotherapists are not contraindicated by my faith. So, figuring all truth is God's truth, I do enjoy reading the articles that crop up about advances in psychology, and research studies about what is and is not effective. Up till now, I've been reading the most about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which I have found to be a powerful tool in my own life.

The premise behind CBT is that you feel bad because you're thinking in an irrationally negative way, and the response is to take your thoughts out of your head and have a look at them to see if they're valid. For example, if someone tells me they're coming to my party and then they don't show up, and then I think, "They really don't like me at all," that could be an overreaction. So if I start to feel sad, realize it's because I think they don't like me, and follow the mental breadcrumb trail back to this irrational thought, I can replace it with a more factual one: "They said they were coming, and then they didn't, and I don't know why."

Well, the shortcoming of that approach is that I am still left with the nagging truth that the reason COULD be because they don't like me. It could also be because their car broke down, their child had an emergency, or they just plain forgot. So, as I understand it, the point of ACT is to say, "OK, I feel bad because they didn't show up. Now what can I DO about it?" An ethical and authentic choice might be to call them up, and, regardless of the level of my hurt feelings, choose a warm tone as I asked them, "Hey, missed you last night-- is everything ok?" Or I might choose to assume they forgot, know I forget things too, and get over it. But the point is that CBT has limitations in that there truly are negative things that happen in the world that make us feel bad. ACT, again as I understand it, seeks to address those limitations by saying: "You are going to feel bad sometimes. We are not trying to make you always feel great. We are going to help you move through the bad times more successfully."

PS this book would make a great Christmas present for me!

Emo Post

2008-11-30T15:03:00.004-05:00

"Love is pleasing, love is teasing, love's not an evil thing."
I know that, and I live it every day at home. So why can't I manage my other relationships better?

"Inside your heart
It's always raining
And you're oh so tired
Tired of your own complaining

This is for real
It ain't no game
You can't measure your love
By the depths of your pain

´Cause that's not love
Love don't feel that bad
That's not love
It don't feel that sad
No that's not love
'Cause you don't feel good inside
I don't know what it is
But that's not love"
-Keb' Mo'

Guess it would be more to the purpose to quote the Bible.

"little sister, the only pain is to feel nothing at all..."
(U2)

"Love never fails."
(God)

"you are the only Bible some people will ever read"

2008-11-23T17:31:00.001-05:00

Reach out and touch faith

Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who's there

Feeling unknown
And you're all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
I'll make you a believer

(Marilyn Manson)

Well if that's true God help those people!

Subbing = Fail

2008-11-21T15:22:00.002-05:00

At least for now. Today was my last day because I am going 5 days at the day cares. But that's a good thing because I AM GETTING WAY TOO FREAKING OLD to be confused and anxious all day!!! I am so tired of being sent to the wrong room by the office, played by the kids, and not being able to remember which teacher is which. Yay for having one job, like normal people.

War-- what is it good for?

2008-11-18T08:40:00.002-05:00

I heard on the radio yesterday that as many as 25% of veterans come home with mental illness. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. Do we understand this? When we give a war, everyone who goes out risks dying, but even those who survive will very likely come home physically and/or psychologically damaged to the point that they can't function in our society. When is it ever worth that cost? They signed up to serve their country, and/or to improve their opportunities, and what they got back was nothing but brokenness.

My XPN Moment

2008-11-17T21:52:00.003-05:00

So I'm driving home from 8 hours of cutting out circles, being crawled/chewed/spit on and cried/whined/talked at, which PS I love but it makes me tired, and I'm listening to the top 5 at 5, Philly Broke Diaries edition, and then JIm says he's gonna slip us a little something even though it's not Tuesday.... THE NEW FRANZ FERDINAND SINGLE! Verdict: Consistent with their aesthetic (degenerate lyrics, smokin' hot party music), but different enough to be worth the bother. Can't wait to hear more! AND he follows up this dance tune with... the Eurythmics' "Sweet Dreams." Wow. I guess they kinda were the Franz Ferdinand of the 80's. And I guess I really oughta give XPN some money for moments like these...

Geometry for Children

2008-11-07T18:21:00.003-05:00

The Golden Ratio is way too abstract for elementary school. The masking technique, however, is pretty cool. It could be done with oil pastels, though. On w/c paper I don't think the tape would tear, esp. if I taught them to take some of the sticky off on their pants legs.

So what if, instead of measuring Golden Rectangles, the kids made their own grids? Just marking off inches with their rulers is age-appropriate; they learn to do it in math class. They *should* be able to draw a straight line with a triangle, but I think on a Friday afternoon, that's not going to happen, so once they've marked off the inches, what should they do? Connect the dots? If there's enough graph paper to go round, they can work on that, and use the lines of the graph paper. But the masking tape might tear it. Anyway, I think it might be a good idea to start them marking every inch one way, that is on the x-axis; then on the y-axis they can count and mark 1, 2, 3, 4", etc. That will be a good introduction to the Fibonacci sequence the following week, which I absolutely know they can learn.

When they lay out the Fibonacci spiral on graph paper, I'm going to have them use markers and color in whole squares, rather than just drawing lines. I think that's easier to see. Of course if they make a mistake they can't fix it, but it's good to learn not to freak out when you make mistakes!

That's all assuming I can work out my scheduling issues and even teach this class...

A Great Day for America

2008-11-05T07:09:00.002-05:00

I live in little America. My precinct includes both housing projects and McMansions, people of every age from birth to 80's, all languages, all ethnicities. There are residents who were born in this precint and residents who were born halfway around the world. And may I say that that is not only a lab slide of America, it's also a lab slide of the kingdom of God, where people from every tribe and tongue and people and nation gather under one banner. (NOT that America IS the kingdom of God by a long shot! It just resembles it with respect to diversity).

We went to bed around 10:30, thinking final returns wouldn't be in till midnight. But at 11:10 we heard people shouting in the streets:"Obama!" It was as if the Phillies had won all over again. I can never know what Obama's election means for some people, but I suspect it has something to do with the promise implicit in the first paragraph. I hope it means that finally every citizen of this country is an equal participant in its governance, and that all people can finally rise based only on their achievements, not the color of their skin or whether their name ends in a vowel.

My only concern is the way the maps were breaking down last night. Whether an Eastern state was red or blue, and how red or blue it was, seemed to be directly correlated to how far North or South it was of the Mason-Dixon line. And within each state, the color of each county was directly related to how urban or rural it was. And some of the margins! Rural counties in Texas were going 80% or more blue, while parts of Vermont had a similar vote in the other direction. And what that tells me is that a LOT of people in this country hardly even live near anyone who votes differently from themselves. And that belies the promise of my first paragraph. Even if all our neighborhoods don't look like mine, I hope all our hearts will have just as much room for the young, the old, the black, the white, the rich, and the poor.

From Beginner's Greek by James Collins

2008-10-29T21:22:00.002-04:00

p. 178:

When you really love someone and they really love you... you aren't thinking about what's next or what's wrong or what you want. You aren't trying to get someplace... you just sort of are...

From a very long passage. Heavily edited to generalize the principle from romantic love.

A really good shew!!!

2008-10-28T14:25:00.002-04:00

So, Mark and I went to the Flower Power Music Festival at the Colonial Theater in Phoenixville. We had a great time.

Matt Brown opened. He's a local boy who wields an amazing fiddle and also picked "The Hesitation Blues" (only without my favorite verse, "Heading down the road/ Hat in my hand/ I'm lookin' for a woman who's lookin' for a man") on gi-tar. He looks like he's about 16, but he plays like an old soul. I look forward to hearing more from him, as his set was all too short.

Tin Bird Choir quickly took the stage. When I first heard them recorded, I could not believe she was not Norah Jones, but she looks and moves more like Hannah. Mark was particularly taken by the heartbreaking "Truck", which is overproduced in the recording, I think, but was a simple cry of anguish from the stage... one to which anyone who has ever succumbed to a fit of misguided generosity can relate.

Old School Freight Train was next. They had the high energy of Newgrass Revival, but their sound tended to be more jazzy than what I would call even Newgrass. I hate to say it, but honestly the lead singer kinda had this John Meyer thing happening.... except that, inexplicably, he looked like a surfer, despite being a Virginian. What really interested me about this band was the fiddle work, which I felt owed more to Stefan Grappeli than Bill Monroe. Blurring the line between jazz and bluegrass is an interesting concept. After all, consider the "Hesitation Blues," mentioned above. It's got blues right in its name, but I learned it from Doc Watson's recording.

The headliners were Hoots and Hellmouth, who are local boys made good. I absolutely love their performing style (which includes stomping on a plywood platform furnished with tambourines as their only percussion). I love their freak-folk attack on their acoustic instruments. But I really wish I could understand the lead singer live. He sort of mumbles and moans, which is interesting, but gets a little lost in the live mix. They finished the show by bringing Old School Freight Train up to join them in their lovely "Hallelujah." That was worth staying up for.

After School Program: Fail or Win?

2008-10-24T20:59:00.002-04:00

The Park program could hardly fail: our goal was nothing more than to entice some kids to stop by and do some little projects with us, which they did. OK, there was the plaster disaster, for which I take full responsibility, but still, we were experimenting together, and one learns from failure as well as success.

My concern is with the in-school aftercare program. I could say that the kids are too rowdy and restless, or they haven't been prepared properly by their classroom teachers-- why in the world can't they measure?-- but the fact is that I knew I was teaching 4th and 5th graders at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon, and I should not have planned to spend 20 minutes talking about how both Mondrian and the ancient Greeks thought geometry was as beautiful as flowers, or possibly more so. I need to reconfigure my lessons in future, throw out the traditional model of object study first, and put the paintbrushes in their hands the minute they walk in. Once they're painting, we can talk about the Suprematists. It is my responsibility to meet the brief of cross-curricular programming reinforcing academics while making the 2 hours seem like Craft Club. The children's behavior and attitudes would be better if my programming was more engaging. I know this because when I finally do let them paint, they settle right down.

Common Thread

2008-10-24T20:49:00.003-04:00

The Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster
This Book Will Save Your Life
The Writing Class
The Visitor (movie)

What do all these stories have in common?
A- I keep thinking about them long after they are done
B- They are all about an older person who has been living in self-imposed isolation and hypercontrol, at least partly because of the death or divorce of a spouse, but who slowly crawls into the light of human interaction again, creating a new "family" that may include but is never limited to genetic relatives.

I didn't set out to do some kind of project about this topic, but here I am. I myself was done with isolation about the time I was 14, and have lived in self-imposed overinvolvement ever since... and loved it.

Progress Report: Babies Make Art

2008-10-20T20:36:00.002-04:00

I got a 30-day review from the day-cares where I teach art, and my supervisor is very happy with me. So much so that I am slated for a promotion in December, and to learn another program, theatre! I am very excited about teaching babies to be drama queens... the ones who haven't figured it out yet!

Today was my first day to lead all the classes, although my supervisor was still there to help. I made a few planning errors, but my presentations went well. The toddler crowd, which normally has to be coaxed to come try what we have going on, all crowded round and sat on each other for a chance to stick their hands in puffy paint (immediately followed by sticking their hands on the furniture and their friends' shirts). I think my favorite group is the ones who are just learning to talk. They are like little Norns from the Creatures game: "Pent? Pent? Wed! Lellow! Boo! Pent!" Translation: "Paint? Paint? Red! Yellow! Blue! Paint!" On the other hand, the kindergarten group is ready for some actual instruction, with art history, elements and principles, so that's cool too.

Why I go to work

2008-10-10T20:41:00.002-04:00

Wednesday:
Me(Noticing a scuffle at the green table): Melinda, what's the problem?
Melinda: Bobby isn't doing it right!!
Me: Melinda, what are you supposed to be doing?
Melinda: But Bobby-
Me (interrupting): No, Melinda, what are YOU supposed to be doing?
Melinda (who is totally off task, having folded her paper all up, instead of coloring on it): But Bobby-
Me (interruping again): No, Melinda, what about Melinda?
Melinda: But Bobby-
Me (giving up): Bobby, that's great how you're making lines all over your paper! Oh, look, Janice is using every color to make her lines! (and so on all around the green table)
Melinda: (Unfolds her paper and starts coloring)

I think that proves something about behavioral modification theory. I know it proves something about why we would all rather mind other people's business than our own...

Today (Friday):
Me: I painted this picture.
Student 1: Are you rich?
Me (confused, but whatever): No, I'm not rich.
Student 2, to Student 1: Why you got to ask such stupid questions?
Student 1: I just thought, I mean, she's an artist, I thought she must be rich...
Me: Yeah, well, I am an artist, but I haven't figured out how to get rich by it yet!

It's nice to think that in somebody's world, artists are equated with Bill Gates...

My Birthday (also works for Christmas)

2008-10-10T08:42:00.017-04:00

OK, I know this is immature, but people ask me and I can't remember! So watch this space as I think of things I wish I had and add them to this list:

Music:

LCD Soundsystem
Hoots and Hellmouth
Raphael Saadiq: The Way I See It
The Bobs: Recent stuff

Tickets to any of the following upcoming shows in my area:
Coldplay
Neil Young
Leon Russell

Books:

The Secret History by Donna Tartt
Winner of the National Book Award by Jincy Willet
Creative Art for the Developing Child by Clare Cherry
New Englad White by Stephen Carter
Piece of My Heart by Robinson
The Seventh Well by Wander

Just do an Amazon search for "art" and "child" and buy me whatever you find!

Shiny gel pens!

Funky patterned over the knee socks!

It's true---

2008-10-07T16:34:00.002-04:00

--- housekeeping IS easier when no one lives in the house all day. When I went to bed last night the house was clean (mainly thanks to Mark), when I left at 6:55 this morning it was still clean, and when I came home at 4:00 it was STILL clean! Weird! (Now it's not, cause I messed it up-- got to go pick up after myself now).

Too much fun!

2008-09-26T17:11:00.002-04:00

Hm, so, turns out teaching art to preschoolers is sort of the opposite of teaching anything to high schoolers. For example, it's a great idea to hug, tickle, and pick up the preschoolers before and after the lesson. That's frowned upon in the high school... and when the teachers do it, eyes really roll!

Well, the point is that when I'm in the preschool, I'm making art with children, whereas when I'm in the high school I am imparting subject matter to students (well, ok, I'm often just handing out the worksheets that were left for me, but still...). They're both very valuable things to do, but just different.

Help me think this through

2008-09-23T09:13:00.003-04:00

Okay, so my five jobs got to be a bit much and I dumped one. But I still don't think four jobs is a long term plan. What should I cut out, and when?

Here's the situation:

Substitute teaching doesn't pay great, but on the other hand it's honestly not very hard. I don't mind doing it, and I like that I'm good at it. Everywhere I go I get invited back. The problem is that I usually can't accept the invitations, because of my other jobs. If I had just signed up for subbing and nothing else, I would be working four or five days a week by now, probably in just one or two schools, and therefore getting better and better at it as I got to know the buildings and the kids, and eventually I would have been able to parlay that experience into a full-time public school job. And the public schools are where the teaching money is.

However, that's not my situation. I committed to other opportunities, because I expected to hate subbing. So two days a week, I am being trained to teach art to preschoolers. Can I just say that being trained is kind of boring? But no training would probably cause massive stress, and it's nice for me to be in low-stress environments right now. Also, being trained pays about the same as subbing, and it's harder work, I mean it's busier and more physical. But the whole idea is that within three months I am working more days, making more money, and running the classes independently, which of course will be more interesting. And even busier and more physical!

Meanwhile, I am starting training for the tutoring service today. There again, I'm training... the pay's terrible and the hours are very inconvenient. I'm going to negotiate the hours if I can, but if I fail, it will be almost impossible to fit any subbing in for the next three weeks. But in the future, all the hours will be after school and weekends, and the pay will be great, and rainbows will appear and choirs will sing.

I'm just leaving the art center job(s) out of this calculation, because they don't really affect the scheduling or the budget significantly. As long as they are fun, which they have been so far, I will continue to pick them up when I can. If they cease being fun, I will let them drop. That, at least, was easy.

So... What do I do? Do I keep subbing when I can, which is almost never, or is it just not worth it to keep stringing them along? I just feel bad to keep calling them and saying I'm out the rest of the week, no I can't work tomorrow afternoon, only morning, etc. Sooner or later I would think they would cut me off. And I really want them to feel as positive about me as I do about them, in case I decide to reenter that public school world in the future.

From 12th grade to infancy in 15 miles...

2008-09-22T18:21:00.002-04:00

The HS students this morning ranged from apathetic to obstreperous. Kinda sad, because they were reading an excellent and historically significant work, about which they did not care at all. I read a bit of it aloud to one class, hoping they could interpret the language better.

Then I drove across the county to start my job teaching art in the nursery school, actually day care center. It was interesting/weird seeing how they do it with babies. By the time they get to be four, I'm in my element, though. Best comment of the day: "Miss Gretchen, why do you have purple over your eye and purple under your eye?" (referring to my liner & mascara). That's one thing to love about the squirts, is they are not restrained by social conventions.

Substitute Teaching Tips

2008-09-21T21:41:00.002-04:00

If you work for a service that calls, rather than being online, call them the evening before. They will almost always give you something, and then you won't be jarred awake at 5:30 in the morning. You'll go to bed knowing you're working, and already packed.

Dress like the superintendent of the district, especially if you are teaching high school academics.

Expect your kids to cooperate, and they probably will. Walk into that class with no other expectation than following the lesson plan in an orderly manner.

Remember, you and the kids are both on the same team. You have a common goal: to get through the day and the work. Okay, maybe they think they don't want to do the work, but they sure want to pass the class and graduate on time, right? You want that for them, too!

Always bring something extra for yourself to do and something extra for them to do. Try to bring something that relates to their subject but isn't like what they already do, and that relates to your passion (because your enthusiasm will rub off!). Don't be afraid to be creative with this, but only pull it out after they've completed the assigned work.

Have a sense of humor! You can keep it light and still get through the lesson plan! If you laugh off the little things, it seems like they are less likely to pull something big.

Worst case scenario, it's 7 hours out of your life. You'll be fine.

Human Relations Council of Chester County

2008-09-18T19:51:00.005-04:00

Anne Moore just called and invited me to an event they are having. They have a long history here in WC. This month they are bringing in a UPenn/WCU prof to talk about the Native Americans of PA. A very timely topic, as it was long believed that most of them had been forced out of the area 150 years ago, but the remaining representatives of the Lenape Nation have chosen to come forward. Anyway, the illustrated talk is free, and will take place Tuesday night at 7 at the old WC Community Building.

Sick Days

2008-09-18T19:51:00.002-04:00

Ugh, I have my biannual sinus infection. So glad I wasn't scheduled to work. Speaking of which, here's the final word:

Subbing in public schools... if I ever again have a full day at my disposal, I would totally do it. All those people who told me it was awful were wrong. It's fine, and it's interesting being in different buildings with different age groups and subjects and rooms and teaching methods. And if I really want to make serious money, I need to get serious about working in a public school.

Teaching art in the day care centers starts Monday! I drove up to corporate in NJ last Monday and met the directors and so forth, all very pleasant. I am both overwhelmed and excited about this adventure!

Tutoring SAT prep is a go... three weeks of training, and then I will see how I like that. Evidently I cleaned up on the sample SAT-- nice to know I've still got it goin' on in that area. The world (including the daycare center corporate office) sure is full of incorrect spelling, grammar and usage, so it will be nice to strike a blow for careful use of language, as well as understanding of basic mathematical concepts.

Theoretically, I am also subbing at a Montessori school, but they haven't needed me yet, and I think that one will probably fall by the wayside due to availability issues.

I am teaching two classes in October and one in November for Art Partners. I am going to a meeting tomorrow to discuss the curricula. But I just can't keep teaching for afterschool programs, because it messes Ben's sports activities all up. The one time that I really need to be home is 4:30 in the afternoon! However, working for an art center is the most creative teaching I could possibly do, and for this particular art center, there's the outreach component as well.

Looks like I may also continue to teach for DCCC, which only runs Saturdays during the school year. That was a lot of fun in the summer, and the scheduling is convenient.

That's all the jobs that fit... I did turn down a couple more. Where were all these people in the middle of August?